Ok, I'm just going to wing it at this point. The past three hours have produced two of the biggest deals in our leagues young history. To recap the trades that just happened; Drew Brees went for Chris Johnson, Philip Rivers and two draft picks (2012 2nd and 2013 5th) while runningback Maurice Jones-Drew and a 12 rounder (obviously the clincher) went for 2 draft picks (1st and a 6th) and Joesph Addai. For those keeping track that is these two deals account for the #2, #7, #9, #20 and #41 draft picks in the first year draft. All but one player was a keeper and two of the four picks are in the first two rounds. I'm still not sure how to wrap my head around everything that went on today. I mean I might start busting out into tears when I see the first Drew Brees highlight. So now starts to beg the question what happens next? Titus and Dan have both made moves for this run. Alec snatched up Ahmad Bradshaw for the hefty tag of a first rounder. Jason grabbed the currently injured LeGarrette Blount. Did today put the pressure on the Pitz's, Lars', Will's, or Stilt's to make a move to upgrade? Of course you have to also wonder will anyone give anything for anyone on Peach's team??? Eh.....maybe it's time to move on.
Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - Really? Pitz was nervous about Monday Night? Please, we all knew the Ravens would lay a huge egg and Torrey Smith would end up with 3.2 points and the 5-1 Tip Drill would not have to worry about the 1-5 Report. Although lets just get something out there, this was definitely the least impressive 93 point performance I think ever. Look at the team; Hasselbeck goes for a solid 6.16 points, Brandon Marshall 6.10, Robbie Gould 6.00 annnnnd the dynamic duo of Brandon Pettigrew and Doug Baldwin combined for 3.10 points. How the hell did they end up with 93 plus? Well Mike Wallace and Curtis Painter scored 17 plus for the Drill. Before you freak out and say "Curtis Painter doesn't play for his team" I know he doesn't, but he also doesn't play for the Saints who he kept throwing the ball too. Technically I didn't watch any of the game (sorry Drew), it was WWE ppv night, Vengeance to be specific. Big Show and Mark Henry BROKE THE RING!!! Back from the sidebar of wrestling. Pitz got 13.3 points from his new toy Steven Jackson. Dan you can't wait to play with yours?....toy.....not penis....
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Fact: the top 5 teams are either over or within 5 points of 700 except for one team. Fact: all but two teams have had at least 600 points scored against them. Fact: I have a cat now which makes it very difficult to work on blogs because she keeps biting me and I have to throw her across the room even though she comes back immediately almost like she enjoys being a boomerang. Anyway the relevance of the first two facts is that Jason has a total of 628 points. So close to the 700 the other dominant teams have. Who else is around the 628 points? Here's a list; Dan (3-4) 639, Death (1-6) 606, and Kirby (2-5) 581. As for the points against? Jason has had the lowest in the league at 556 and Pitz has the second lowest at 569. At least Pitz leads the league in scoring. Funny part is now that these stats are here and Jason may have to make a big move to up that scoring. Will he do it? Or will he be a huge.....remember when I mentioned my cat earlier? Full circle.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - ZUnstoppableForce lost. It was quite the barn burner too! 73-73. Not to take away from the closeness of victory, but come on two 500 teams can't crack 75? This is why I'm upset that I'm 1-6. Lars is hardly a Juggernaut. Stafford was held to 11 points, Q got a late td (we still lost) for a 10 spot, and the Burner was good for 12 to go with the 11 and 10 that now seem to be out of order. Other then those 3 nobody else scored above double digits. Even Beanie the Great was only worth 4 points!!! Well good job with the Colston trade Lars. His 21.8 points is the only reason you were even close. I'm wondering if this force is starting to slow down.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - Big big win. Low low scores, but again big big win! The trick the rest of the way will be staying above 500 since there are so many teams lumped together in the middle. As of right now even Adam "I'm selling assets" Hittner is still in contention at 3-4. I think this will be difficult for Stilt to do as his team really isn't that good. I know we are in bye weeks right now, but Randall Cobb? Really? I mean I know I've been starting Eric Decker, but even he never scored -1.2 points before. Did you watch the Packers game? Aaron Rodgers was perfect up until the time he threw to Cobb and only hit him in the chest with nobody between him and the endzone... and Cobb dropped the ball. I honestly have no idea where this Randall Cobb hate came from. Kinda caught me off guard there. Well Stilt will have Wes Welker the rest of the year, now he just needs to find a way to heal Andre Johnson. What was he saying about "Gennings" again??? Side bar. Did you know Stilt missed the draft to have dinner with his girlfriends family? Why did I think he was working? How do we not give him more crap for this? It's like manlaw to get made fun of to no end for behavior like that. Also HIS TEAM IS WINNING!!! Karma is a fickle bitch.
Rodgers Rejects - Will - So Monday November 14 be glued to the tv when Green Bay plays the Vikings and just watch Aaron Rodgers play quarterback (see AD is playing Will that week so even his opponent will be rooting for Rodgers!!!). It's becoming as sick as watching Peyton in his prime and already seems prettier then Drew and Tommy. It's so sick because of how he goes 18 wide and passes the ball to 29 different receivers. Not even a hyperbole...ok maybe it was. He also doesn't throw incompletions (YOU HEAR ME RANDALL COBB!!!!). We came to the conclusion that the refs would just throw pass interference penalties whenever Rodgers didn't complete a pass because there is no way that something wasn't wrong for the pass not to get caught. I can't lie. This was a week I thought I had a shot. 2-5 here I come. But that 80 yard bomb to Jennings was like a kick in the nuts. Great defense Minny. It hurt so bad. Almost as bad as it would have hurt to watch Pierre Thomas and Jimmy Graham be dominant vrs the Colts as my poor Mark Ingram limped to the locker room, but again fortunately I was watching this. Big win for Will, well as big as a win verse me can be. He is someone I'm pulling for to make the playoffs.
Grundle Stains - Titus - Well this is awkward Mr. Playoff bound with Megatron and Ray Rice was the lowest score of the week and played a two win team. Just checking is -4 good from a defense??? This actually hurt recaping Titus this week. I have to see how great of a week Roethlisberger has, and how shitastic of a week Ray Rice (and the rest of the Ravens) had. Not much else to say about this team, but Dustin Keller and his 3.3 points outscored RunDMC (.7). Good to see that Titus might be the pendulum when it comes to standard deviation.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - I kinda just want to write the recap for next week when Ahmad Bradshaw gets 75 total yards and Brandon Jacobs has 2 tds, but for now I will talk about Alec's win and how close he is to the playoffs. Mark Sanchez scored 20 plus and Marshawn Lynch scored 0. Percy Harvin had 2 and Steve Smith had just under 15. AllDay scored 23.5 and Reggie Wayne scored 3.6, both are keepers. This makes no sense. How did Alec's team score almost 125 points? AHHHH that cheeky gm picked up the Kansas City defense and got the 35 points that come with them this week. Bravo Kyle Boller. Bravo.
First or Last - Dan - "How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad. I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever's gone away. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through. If we get to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the wait. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. It's so hard to say goodbye....to....yesterday."
- Boys II Men
Do You Like Apples? - 3-4 teams are funny. Dan traded two pro bowl players and two draft picks to win right now, Hittner is gutting his team. I guess if Jamaal isn't the MVP there is no reason to try to win. It is funny too that Hittner pulls out the win over Titus and Titus immediately walks over and says "hey man give me some first round talent". I really wanted to go in a different direction in this write up but other then insulting the guy one win out from being in the playoffs who is trading away his first ever draft pick I really don't have much its that whole end of the blog fatigue thing. Here's a few numbers to wrap it up. Romo - 14.6 BOOM! Llyod - 11.2 BOOM! Greene - 11.7 BOOM! Olsen - .4 BOOM!!! wait....no....
corn on the kolb - Kirby - EVERYTIME I finish doing Hittner I start thinking about what I'm going to write about my team. Am I the only one who forgets that Kirby is in this league sometimes? He's like Larsen 2010 2.0. Without looking I can only name 4 players on his team (A. Gates, D. Bowe, F. Gore, and J. Jones). Is Freeman even his qb? Am I going to feel like a dick if he beats me this weekend? Crap. Reverse karma and quick...ummm he scored 66 points this week. CRAP. He lost by 3 points. CRAP CRAP. Mason Crosby was the best player on his team....hrm....This works right?
Naginatas Like These - Death - This is the bad luck I'm going to blame on my season. Jahvid, Ingram and D. Thomas are all injured and only D. Thomas has a chance to play. Awesome. At least let me watch my boys. A week without Jahvid is like Kirby going a week with out some stupid online computer game (CRAP CRAP CRAP). Seriously this week sucked for me. Me and Santionio right now aren't really on speaking terms at the moment. Of course you know this locker room is in flux. Drew is gone, but hopefully Tebow can fix it!!!
Tolbert Report - Peach - You know times are tough when teams are wholesaling and the last place team has only made one trade, which is for a guy who is no longer on his team. This was heart breaking though for Peach. He really should have leapfrogged me with his win over the number one seeded team, but it just wasn't in the cards (seriously. FUCKING RAVENS man). Times were so tough for team Tolbert that he dropped the guy who had the chance to win (Torrey Smith) right after the week ended. He's on waivers now! Starter last week and now gone. Franchise in termoil...
Everyone there is a game 7 in the World Series tonight. Please watch. It's American damnit! Game 7's are the best thing ever. That and beer. So have beer, watch baseball, eat chips and get ready for Sunday, because starting Sunday, after all these trades its gonna feel like...
A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!!
Yea that was a bad sign off....I'll work on it next week.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Week 6 Recap
Whatta week! Baltimore Marathon relay was this weekend and team Half-Fast kicked ass, (I forgot the stats exactly but Dan or AD can share) and we celebrated the was a kick ass relay team should. I got to watch Alec and Peach have deep meaningful conversations about the Redskins and Eagles (where we set a new record for amount of swear words used in a 3 hour period, seriously I think we made the Osbournes blush). I celebrate my birthday on Monday with 12 point from Santonio Holmes leading to my first victory. I get a birthday lunch at Abbey Burger where I had Kangaroo with mushroom and provolone, and finally I had surgery for the removal of my Gall Bladder. Ok maybe the last one isn't quite as good, but I got my first win!!! Coming in last place is bad enough, being beer bitch is far worse, getting the number one overall pick is great (Will and Greg Jennings nod approvingly), but to be 0-13 is that not the most embarrassing possible in this league? We are ruthless as it is (see exhibit A: Alec and Ahmad) but the possibility to have to hear about being the one team to NEVER record a win, unbearable. Can't you picture 15 years from now after I win my first league (thanks to an incredible run from Jahvid best in his last season in the NFL playing for the Ravens, it actually clenched us the #1 seed in the AFC!!!) I try to celebrate and talk some trash only to get 11 emails from 11 angry fantasy players reminding me about how in 2011 I wasn't able to win one game? I just felt sick in my stomach...even with my gall bladder in a trash can somewhere in Saint Agnes Hospital. Anyway I'm about to pop some more pills which make the world spin like my ceiling used to Freshman year at Towson, so lets just make this a character piece this week and break down the teams.
Just the Tip Drill - Peach - To score 132 points you need a great effort from your defense. Pitz got a goose egg. So much for winning with defense. Fred Jackson continues to be the best thing to happen to fantasy owners this year as he put up another 20 plus point day. The highlight for the Tip Drill had to be Ahmad Bradshaw's 31 point performance which lead to Alec offering his first round pick for next year. Talk about selling high! With Alec currently at 2-4 if his luck doesn't turn around Pitz will go into the off-season with 4 (atleast) potential keepers, a top 6 pick and another first rounder to boot. Will this become a dynasty? Or will Pitz fall back to his terrible drafting? Wait am I really fast forwarding to the end of next season? Slow it down kid, slow it down.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - Well that's how you bounce back after a loss. Lars only scored 74 last week leading to his first defeat of the season and it would appear he decided that it taste like stale Twizzlers marinated in vinegar wrapped in aged cabbage. Lars came back and scored 117 points thanks to 12 from his defense (seriously Pitz, what the H???). "The Burner" is coming back to be the first round draft pick Lars invisioned last year as he has scored 11 points or more in all but one game this season (3 weeks has been over 20), and with 20 and 17 points respectfully Stafford and Colston are coming across as good moves on Lars' part. This win is even more impressive because it was legit, as in Beanie Wells didn't score 78 points, and Miles Austin was a modest 7.4 points. Lars may actually be good....
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Back in week 3 Jason lost to an explosive Grundle Stained team (wordage appropriately chosen) and he knew he had to make a move. The time had come. Along came Peach who had a interest in getting the bane of Jason's fantasy existence, Ryan Grant. Jason upgraded at running back and got Lagarette Blount. Well Blount got passed and someone dropped it. Had to put it out. Jason makes one trade, his guy gets hurt, and he told me the other night this is why he doesn't trade. That's how gun shy he is now. He actually had the balls to say to me "I didn't have to trade Ryan Grant". Yup, the guy he has hated since he first saw his roster. Only thing Jason had going for him was that he immediately realized his mistake in rooting against me and has since tried to get the fantasy gods back on his side. I don't know what or who Jason has sacrificed, but the gods are thankful.
Grundle Stains - Titus - I just looked at Megatron and said to myself "wow, he only had 11.2 points". That's the level Megatron is. Only quarterbacks are at that level. Ethier way Titus isn't fun to write about. Ray Rice (16.10), RunDMC (15.3) and Megatron. Rinse wash and repeat. I don't know how else to write about this team, but you make a hell of a third leg.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - 3-3 right now gets you in fifth place. I started out thinking "Wow, Stilt has been secretly good this season." Then you have to look at the 3-3 record and realize that nothing is settled this year. Other then the top 3 I think we could see 3 different teams end up in the playoffs. Gonna be a very interesting season. Oh crap ummm Stilt...hmmm...he lost....and Mendenhall scored 1/3 of his points.
Rodgers Rejects- Will - I know he doesn't say much or ever as far as talking trash goes, but he wanted to win this week. A loss to Jason is arguably the hardest loss for Will to take. It was a clever idea for Will to pick "best wide receiver" this week, since he has Greg Jennings of course. Ironically Jennings only scored 8.2 points, his worst point total of the season. On the positive side two receivers were better then Jennings; one AJ Green (11.1) and the correctly drafted Jimmy Graham (12.4). But back to the negative side he still lost to Jason and is the second 3-3 team to be in the playoff hunt.
First or Last - Dan - So upon our arrival from St. Louis my plan was to write a blog 100% dedicated to a story about Dan in St. Louis, so I'll try to do it justice a few weeks later. We are leaving a Hooter's knock off called Show-Me's to head towards the stadium. The crew of the 6 of us (Jason was in the bathroom leaving us to pay for his food and consequently making us late to see the National Anthem, we still haven't forgiven him) start heading towards the Ed Rodgers Center and are walking through tailgates. Some are Rams some are Ravens, pretty sure everyone in STL was more worried about the Cardinals/Cubs then their young up and coming NFL team. One particular tailgate featured some a group of young male Rams fans who felt passionate about their team (probably the only 7 in the city who do). The Alpha of this group stepped forward wearing a backwards hat and a blue Chris Long #72 jersey (I'm kinda assuming, just run with it). This young man proved to be a knowledgeable fan of the NFL because he asked us all in a condescending fashion "Hey, remember when Kenny Britt went off for over 150 yards on you guys last week?". Fortunately we had a knowledgeable NFL fan with us. Dan hardly lets the young man finish before asking him in a similar manner "Hey, remember when you won a game?". Now I don't really know what happened next. The Rams fan may have been trying his best to actually remember that glorious day when he last tasted victory, or he did have a comment but we were just too busy celebrating Dan's comment. Either way no words will ever do this exchange justice. It was the best comeback I have ever heard in my life, and I don't expect it to be over taken in a very very long time. Anyway he lost to Titus this week.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - So 66 points is not good. In fact it may appear to drive people to desperate measures. Alec hit his panic switch (heh) and traded away his first rounder for Ahmad Bradshaw. I have 3 feelings about this move. First AD's analogy nailed it " Its like were all out at the bar, the pickings are slim, but were pretty good and drunk...suddenly we hear "last call!" And look around, and Alec decides to go all in on a wookie (bradshaw)...while some of us have just accepted going home alone this evening". Second I do respect the deal Alec made. He went all in on this season. He felt his team is good enough to contend so he made a move that should put him in position to do so. Third, I'm pretty pissed to know I could have gotten a first rounder for Steven Jackson. That was the most eventful thing Alec did this week. Other then half the conversations we had on Sunday that I just can't remember for the life of me.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - I don't like Kirby's new gig. He is becoming as boring as Lars is. He has the third least amount of points scored this year, nobody knows the last time he won a game, and he has to play Jason this week without Frank Gore. If I were a betting man, and I obviously am, I would bet against Kirby this week.
Do You Like Apples - Hittner - Love that this game was actually exciting. Two of the three lowest scores of the week came from this game...and it was intense!!! Going into the Monday Night Game Hittner needed 4 points from the under achieving Shonne Green against the terrible Miami Dolphins. Shonne took his sweet time dragging it out until late in the game before locking up the win with 7.7 points. Had AD lost this game he would be in a three way tie for worst record in the league, and Stilt would have a stronger lock on the playoffs. Just have to remember that in IDP...ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!
Naginatas Like These - Death - OOOOOOH snap! Guess whose not in last??? Me bitches! Peach also has to go against Pitz this weekend so I'm thinking I won't be in last for two straight weeks!!! Once again I have to stress the importance of winning this week for me. You have to avoid the implication of going 0-13. Ok I just wanted to link that one after seeing all of Dan's Sunny clips last week. The thing I have going this week is that I think I'm going to have a bet going with Will. If I win he has to start paying me rent again. What do you think?
The Tolbert Report - Peach - Well that was a bit of a dagger. Peach's team actually comes to play, second highest point total this season, and comes away with a last second loss at the hands of Santonio Holmes and the Naginatas Like These. Hey atleast the Iggles didn't lose to the Skins right???
Ok well on that note I'm gonna wrap this up. My quote of the week will come at the end of this clip from the league. I'ts an old Taco Japanese work of wisdom...
Just the Tip Drill - Peach - To score 132 points you need a great effort from your defense. Pitz got a goose egg. So much for winning with defense. Fred Jackson continues to be the best thing to happen to fantasy owners this year as he put up another 20 plus point day. The highlight for the Tip Drill had to be Ahmad Bradshaw's 31 point performance which lead to Alec offering his first round pick for next year. Talk about selling high! With Alec currently at 2-4 if his luck doesn't turn around Pitz will go into the off-season with 4 (atleast) potential keepers, a top 6 pick and another first rounder to boot. Will this become a dynasty? Or will Pitz fall back to his terrible drafting? Wait am I really fast forwarding to the end of next season? Slow it down kid, slow it down.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - Well that's how you bounce back after a loss. Lars only scored 74 last week leading to his first defeat of the season and it would appear he decided that it taste like stale Twizzlers marinated in vinegar wrapped in aged cabbage. Lars came back and scored 117 points thanks to 12 from his defense (seriously Pitz, what the H???). "The Burner" is coming back to be the first round draft pick Lars invisioned last year as he has scored 11 points or more in all but one game this season (3 weeks has been over 20), and with 20 and 17 points respectfully Stafford and Colston are coming across as good moves on Lars' part. This win is even more impressive because it was legit, as in Beanie Wells didn't score 78 points, and Miles Austin was a modest 7.4 points. Lars may actually be good....
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Back in week 3 Jason lost to an explosive Grundle Stained team (wordage appropriately chosen) and he knew he had to make a move. The time had come. Along came Peach who had a interest in getting the bane of Jason's fantasy existence, Ryan Grant. Jason upgraded at running back and got Lagarette Blount. Well Blount got passed and someone dropped it. Had to put it out. Jason makes one trade, his guy gets hurt, and he told me the other night this is why he doesn't trade. That's how gun shy he is now. He actually had the balls to say to me "I didn't have to trade Ryan Grant". Yup, the guy he has hated since he first saw his roster. Only thing Jason had going for him was that he immediately realized his mistake in rooting against me and has since tried to get the fantasy gods back on his side. I don't know what or who Jason has sacrificed, but the gods are thankful.
Grundle Stains - Titus - I just looked at Megatron and said to myself "wow, he only had 11.2 points". That's the level Megatron is. Only quarterbacks are at that level. Ethier way Titus isn't fun to write about. Ray Rice (16.10), RunDMC (15.3) and Megatron. Rinse wash and repeat. I don't know how else to write about this team, but you make a hell of a third leg.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - 3-3 right now gets you in fifth place. I started out thinking "Wow, Stilt has been secretly good this season." Then you have to look at the 3-3 record and realize that nothing is settled this year. Other then the top 3 I think we could see 3 different teams end up in the playoffs. Gonna be a very interesting season. Oh crap ummm Stilt...hmmm...he lost....and Mendenhall scored 1/3 of his points.
Rodgers Rejects- Will - I know he doesn't say much or ever as far as talking trash goes, but he wanted to win this week. A loss to Jason is arguably the hardest loss for Will to take. It was a clever idea for Will to pick "best wide receiver" this week, since he has Greg Jennings of course. Ironically Jennings only scored 8.2 points, his worst point total of the season. On the positive side two receivers were better then Jennings; one AJ Green (11.1) and the correctly drafted Jimmy Graham (12.4). But back to the negative side he still lost to Jason and is the second 3-3 team to be in the playoff hunt.
First or Last - Dan - So upon our arrival from St. Louis my plan was to write a blog 100% dedicated to a story about Dan in St. Louis, so I'll try to do it justice a few weeks later. We are leaving a Hooter's knock off called Show-Me's to head towards the stadium. The crew of the 6 of us (Jason was in the bathroom leaving us to pay for his food and consequently making us late to see the National Anthem, we still haven't forgiven him) start heading towards the Ed Rodgers Center and are walking through tailgates. Some are Rams some are Ravens, pretty sure everyone in STL was more worried about the Cardinals/Cubs then their young up and coming NFL team. One particular tailgate featured some a group of young male Rams fans who felt passionate about their team (probably the only 7 in the city who do). The Alpha of this group stepped forward wearing a backwards hat and a blue Chris Long #72 jersey (I'm kinda assuming, just run with it). This young man proved to be a knowledgeable fan of the NFL because he asked us all in a condescending fashion "Hey, remember when Kenny Britt went off for over 150 yards on you guys last week?". Fortunately we had a knowledgeable NFL fan with us. Dan hardly lets the young man finish before asking him in a similar manner "Hey, remember when you won a game?". Now I don't really know what happened next. The Rams fan may have been trying his best to actually remember that glorious day when he last tasted victory, or he did have a comment but we were just too busy celebrating Dan's comment. Either way no words will ever do this exchange justice. It was the best comeback I have ever heard in my life, and I don't expect it to be over taken in a very very long time. Anyway he lost to Titus this week.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - So 66 points is not good. In fact it may appear to drive people to desperate measures. Alec hit his panic switch (heh) and traded away his first rounder for Ahmad Bradshaw. I have 3 feelings about this move. First AD's analogy nailed it " Its like were all out at the bar, the pickings are slim, but were pretty good and drunk...suddenly we hear "last call!" And look around, and Alec decides to go all in on a wookie (bradshaw)...while some of us have just accepted going home alone this evening". Second I do respect the deal Alec made. He went all in on this season. He felt his team is good enough to contend so he made a move that should put him in position to do so. Third, I'm pretty pissed to know I could have gotten a first rounder for Steven Jackson. That was the most eventful thing Alec did this week. Other then half the conversations we had on Sunday that I just can't remember for the life of me.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - I don't like Kirby's new gig. He is becoming as boring as Lars is. He has the third least amount of points scored this year, nobody knows the last time he won a game, and he has to play Jason this week without Frank Gore. If I were a betting man, and I obviously am, I would bet against Kirby this week.
Do You Like Apples - Hittner - Love that this game was actually exciting. Two of the three lowest scores of the week came from this game...and it was intense!!! Going into the Monday Night Game Hittner needed 4 points from the under achieving Shonne Green against the terrible Miami Dolphins. Shonne took his sweet time dragging it out until late in the game before locking up the win with 7.7 points. Had AD lost this game he would be in a three way tie for worst record in the league, and Stilt would have a stronger lock on the playoffs. Just have to remember that in IDP...ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!
Naginatas Like These - Death - OOOOOOH snap! Guess whose not in last??? Me bitches! Peach also has to go against Pitz this weekend so I'm thinking I won't be in last for two straight weeks!!! Once again I have to stress the importance of winning this week for me. You have to avoid the implication of going 0-13. Ok I just wanted to link that one after seeing all of Dan's Sunny clips last week. The thing I have going this week is that I think I'm going to have a bet going with Will. If I win he has to start paying me rent again. What do you think?
The Tolbert Report - Peach - Well that was a bit of a dagger. Peach's team actually comes to play, second highest point total this season, and comes away with a last second loss at the hands of Santonio Holmes and the Naginatas Like These. Hey atleast the Iggles didn't lose to the Skins right???
Ok well on that note I'm gonna wrap this up. My quote of the week will come at the end of this clip from the league. I'ts an old Taco Japanese work of wisdom...
Friday, October 14, 2011
Dan's Week 6 Predictions
And I present to you Dan and Denise....
Holy crap! We're in week 6 already, that's just under halfway through the regular season... I hate how quickly the fantasy season comes and goes, but the time we have with it... amazing. Alright I don't even know how I did last week.... 2-4, ehh, not having a great year. Let's just jump right in...
The Denise Richards is HOT Match-Up of the Week
Matthew Phillip Death vs Charles Barkley Peach
Yeah, if I don't know your middle name, I'm making one up. You may be asking yourself "Really Dan? 0-5 vs 1-4? This is our match-up of the week? Mmmm, Denise is hot... Wait, we have a Will v Jason game that should be more entertaining!". Yes, that is 100% true. But let's be honest, we'd all much rather see if the commish starts the season off 0-6, plus the trash talk has gotten me pumped for this one. Also, after this week there is an incredible chance we could see Death go 0-13. Let's hope Peach doesn't pull a Ravens performance from a few years ago and let the Dolphins get their 1 and only victory of the season. I will be hoping to see Matt get the W. Once he get's that win it will be a lot easier to sit around and talk FF again because right now I'm sure he's sick of hearing us complain about being 2-3 or 3-2, it has to be frustrating.
W - Death
L - Peach
Marc Frank Pitonzo vs Alec Abraham EshbachI'm not even going to bring numbers into this one, okay maybe a little. But this should be a game to watch. Alec has been a bit unlucky this year with match-ups. I literally have more then once looked at his roster, looked at his point total, and looked at his position in the league and have said out loud "Really? He's 2-3? REALLY?". I want to say it's early in the season, but I mean we're 5 games in. Time will tell if Alec ends up as the Kirby of last year. If there is a glimmer of hope, Hittner started out the season last year 3-3. With a win this week that will be Alec's record, if he loses he's 2-4 and, well, that's how Kirby started out last year. As for Pitz... he's good. It's great being on top and now I know how people felt about me last year.
W - Pitz
L - Alec
Ryan Patrick Kirby vs Michael Patrick Larsen
Battle of Ireland? And Baltimore? I'm pretty sure Larsen holds the theoretical "Baltimore Title Belt" please hold.... no it's Kirby!! He beat Alec in week 2 during the first Baltimore Title match. Either way this one is still a title game and a battle of who is the better one with the middle name of Patrick. This is still a young rivalry with only one meeting so far with Kirby coming away with the win. The bye weeks have hurt both of these teams which project this as a nail biter. Neither team has a player going after the afternoon games which means Kirby will either be passed out on the couch or betting on the ponies while Lars is forced sit on the couch and watch Alec scream at AP while holding back how he really feels.
W - Kirby
L - Lars
Arsenal vs Liverpool
Daniel Buckey Clemson III vs Adrian Suarez Lesher-Titus
Did you know the local (Baltimore) supporter clubs of Arsenal and Liverpool are meeting up to do a bar crawl for charity this weekend? That is how much ManU is hated. Two of the original "Big 4" are teaming up to support a ManU loss and I'm TOTALLY for it. I swear if any of you ever claim allegiance to the red devils I will teach your future kids to love your rival football team. That's right Alec enjoy a son that loves the Eagles. You too Pitz, only your daughter will grow up and marry Sidney Crosby. Any way, why are we running 26.2 miles when we can go on a bar crawl and hate ManU equally? If you can't find me at the 3rd hand off don't worry, I'm fine, I'm drunk somewhere chanting english football songs. As for our match-up... I've accepted defeat. This is one of those "if I win I'll let out a scream of glee" games.
W - Titus
L - Dan
William Brady Ray vs Jason Rat Pack
Combined these two are 7-3, last year at this time they were a combined 2-8. Anybody else think it's just luck and the two of them are starring at their fantasy rosters each week like a rubix cube trying to figure them out? Will owns the win from the last time these guys met which was a 9 point victory, 100-91. This time around Will is the projected winner 99-92. Are you kidding me? This is easy, it's the same match-up as last year. Side note: Both teams are looking solid this year, both looking like playoff contenders. The only thing I think I can accurately predict is that neither of these two will be serving the beers next year.
W - Will
L - Jason
Ryan Christoper Stiltner vs Adam Usain Hittner
Non-Bye week=Stilt all day long. Bye week=Hittner has a legitimate chance. Damn you Hittner, I had to get surgery to repair my rectum from the slaying Stilt put on me week 4. I guess I can't say much after last weeks 0.62 point win that left Hittner staring at the TV and yelling at the game clock after it hit zero. I avoided making a comment even until now to attempt an offering to the fantasy gods, I'll need all the help I can get this weekend. I don't really know what else to write about these two so I googled their names, we'll call this the "Google Match-Up of the Week". I found out that Stiltner is actually still in High School and is a wrestler at Grundy High (I can't make this stuff up). Makes since why he never has time for us. Senior year, SAT's, fuckin' social studies, Homecoming, and he's 0-2 so far this year on the mat. Adam Hittner - He apparently coaches track. Side note: He's one hell of a coach too. Helped me stay focused and motivated to get my first overall victory 2 weeks ago. No homo, thanks buddy.
W - Hittner
L - Stilt
All right that's it, see some of you this weekend.
Holy crap! We're in week 6 already, that's just under halfway through the regular season... I hate how quickly the fantasy season comes and goes, but the time we have with it... amazing. Alright I don't even know how I did last week.... 2-4, ehh, not having a great year. Let's just jump right in...
The Denise Richards is HOT Match-Up of the Week
Matthew Phillip Death vs Charles Barkley Peach
Yeah, if I don't know your middle name, I'm making one up. You may be asking yourself "Really Dan? 0-5 vs 1-4? This is our match-up of the week? Mmmm, Denise is hot... Wait, we have a Will v Jason game that should be more entertaining!". Yes, that is 100% true. But let's be honest, we'd all much rather see if the commish starts the season off 0-6, plus the trash talk has gotten me pumped for this one. Also, after this week there is an incredible chance we could see Death go 0-13. Let's hope Peach doesn't pull a Ravens performance from a few years ago and let the Dolphins get their 1 and only victory of the season. I will be hoping to see Matt get the W. Once he get's that win it will be a lot easier to sit around and talk FF again because right now I'm sure he's sick of hearing us complain about being 2-3 or 3-2, it has to be frustrating.
W - Death
L - Peach
Marc Frank Pitonzo vs Alec Abraham EshbachI'm not even going to bring numbers into this one, okay maybe a little. But this should be a game to watch. Alec has been a bit unlucky this year with match-ups. I literally have more then once looked at his roster, looked at his point total, and looked at his position in the league and have said out loud "Really? He's 2-3? REALLY?". I want to say it's early in the season, but I mean we're 5 games in. Time will tell if Alec ends up as the Kirby of last year. If there is a glimmer of hope, Hittner started out the season last year 3-3. With a win this week that will be Alec's record, if he loses he's 2-4 and, well, that's how Kirby started out last year. As for Pitz... he's good. It's great being on top and now I know how people felt about me last year.
W - Pitz
L - Alec
Ryan Patrick Kirby vs Michael Patrick Larsen
Battle of Ireland? And Baltimore? I'm pretty sure Larsen holds the theoretical "Baltimore Title Belt" please hold.... no it's Kirby!! He beat Alec in week 2 during the first Baltimore Title match. Either way this one is still a title game and a battle of who is the better one with the middle name of Patrick. This is still a young rivalry with only one meeting so far with Kirby coming away with the win. The bye weeks have hurt both of these teams which project this as a nail biter. Neither team has a player going after the afternoon games which means Kirby will either be passed out on the couch or betting on the ponies while Lars is forced sit on the couch and watch Alec scream at AP while holding back how he really feels.
W - Kirby
L - Lars
Arsenal vs Liverpool
Daniel Buckey Clemson III vs Adrian Suarez Lesher-Titus
Did you know the local (Baltimore) supporter clubs of Arsenal and Liverpool are meeting up to do a bar crawl for charity this weekend? That is how much ManU is hated. Two of the original "Big 4" are teaming up to support a ManU loss and I'm TOTALLY for it. I swear if any of you ever claim allegiance to the red devils I will teach your future kids to love your rival football team. That's right Alec enjoy a son that loves the Eagles. You too Pitz, only your daughter will grow up and marry Sidney Crosby. Any way, why are we running 26.2 miles when we can go on a bar crawl and hate ManU equally? If you can't find me at the 3rd hand off don't worry, I'm fine, I'm drunk somewhere chanting english football songs. As for our match-up... I've accepted defeat. This is one of those "if I win I'll let out a scream of glee" games.
W - Titus
L - Dan
William Brady Ray vs Jason Rat Pack
Combined these two are 7-3, last year at this time they were a combined 2-8. Anybody else think it's just luck and the two of them are starring at their fantasy rosters each week like a rubix cube trying to figure them out? Will owns the win from the last time these guys met which was a 9 point victory, 100-91. This time around Will is the projected winner 99-92. Are you kidding me? This is easy, it's the same match-up as last year. Side note: Both teams are looking solid this year, both looking like playoff contenders. The only thing I think I can accurately predict is that neither of these two will be serving the beers next year.
W - Will
L - Jason
Ryan Christoper Stiltner vs Adam Usain Hittner
Non-Bye week=Stilt all day long. Bye week=Hittner has a legitimate chance. Damn you Hittner, I had to get surgery to repair my rectum from the slaying Stilt put on me week 4. I guess I can't say much after last weeks 0.62 point win that left Hittner staring at the TV and yelling at the game clock after it hit zero. I avoided making a comment even until now to attempt an offering to the fantasy gods, I'll need all the help I can get this weekend. I don't really know what else to write about these two so I googled their names, we'll call this the "Google Match-Up of the Week". I found out that Stiltner is actually still in High School and is a wrestler at Grundy High (I can't make this stuff up). Makes since why he never has time for us. Senior year, SAT's, fuckin' social studies, Homecoming, and he's 0-2 so far this year on the mat. Adam Hittner - He apparently coaches track. Side note: He's one hell of a coach too. Helped me stay focused and motivated to get my first overall victory 2 weeks ago. No homo, thanks buddy.
W - Hittner
L - Stilt
All right that's it, see some of you this weekend.
Week 5 Recap
Death, Taxes and a Death loss. That sounds weird, but it does seem to be the only guarantee this season. Whats really been killing me too is that I've still been really busy at work so there hasn't been much time to dedicate to the blog and even when I do it's a reflection of how bad I've been losing this season. Sprinkle in some writers block and a week long bender and well you got yourself a craptastic blog cake (though a glass of Will Smith and Jason will be satisfied). So to help my sanity and hopefully your enjoyment I'm going to change up the way I write the blog (nothing too drastic, no real intro just straight into rankings). I do apologize guys. I fear change too.
Naginatas Like These - Death - "Girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped" Award - First off I want to explain the new name. I was 0-4. I was willing to try anything....ANYTHING!!! So I changed my name and same result...damn. So yes i gave myself the "girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped award", and I think it makes perfect sense. I drafted two rookies back to back to go with a second year unproven running back as a keeper. High risk, high reward. Ingram hasn't been awful, but he has not lived up to his first round draft selection, Daniel Thomas has yet to get a start from me thanks to the always questionable hamstring, but at-least Jahvid has now developed into a play each week type back. Anyway if this isn't making much sense I'll give you an example. My team is Topanga from "Boy Meets World". Her character was only suppose to be an extra, but she had such a great look they rewrote the story for too become Corey's main love interest! Maybe it was her name, maybe it was the character, maybe it was cause we all grew up with her, but we all hoped for more out of Topanga. Sadly we have this. Now she does look better if you see her now on whatever E! show she does....but nobody sees her on whatever E! show she does.
The Tolbert Report - Peach "Girl who was a cameo in the show you like and now you start to think cause im not famous you might have a shot" Award - So I have dedicated countless hours over the last 3 days to watch all of season 3 and catch up on season 4 of Fringe and one character caught my attention. Her name in the show is listed as Mona, but we all know her as "bug girl". I was all in she was slamming. Then it hit me. Why was she so hot, she seems like a normal girl. Ah ha there it is!!! She is obtainable! She isn't super famous and out of our league. She also did a show that I love giving her bonus points (since I would never be able to pull Agent Dunham). That's just what Peach is. He is settling into the realization that his pick of Manning will never be genius just as "bug girl" will never star in movies, and to all of us a win is pretty obtainable. Also see "Sexy Blue Striped Shirt Girl from Lost".
Side bar I am so screwed if I lose to him this week.
Second side bar I really couldn't think of another example. Saffron from Firefly is actually legit hot, and every extra/guest star from Entourage is basically slamming so that's out as well. I just saw "Jewelry Store Girl" on there and realized I can't open this can of worms. I could do a whole blog on just that. Wait.....what am I...OH FANTASY FOOTBALL!!! Ok. Got it. Getting on with it.
Do You Like Apples? - AD - "Girl is slutty hot" Award - Last year trades helped Hitter out. He gave "it" up and got good returns like Aaron Rodgers and Jeremy Maclin. This year he goes right back to swapping and exchanging with any partner he can find and the outcome has become kinda negative. He is so Jen! According to tabloids she doesn't have a last name anymore. Seriously though remember when she was America's sweetheart after Brad left her? Now she's running through Hollywood just trying to find love again....she is trying pretty hard. Ya know though...the similarities fit between Jen and AD, but she doesn't count as slutty hot...ah this is better. And this is even better. Excuse me while I go watch a Katy Perry video.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - "Girl who is hot because she is legitimately funny" Award - We all laugh every time Kirby does something in this league. Icing him at the draft, the way he doesn't really talk about anything football related in the email chains, the way he scores 126 points one week and then 67 the next. Everything is funny and that's why we keep him around, and why we like him a little more then we should. Yea he's Tina Fey and Anna Faris.You ever tell a girl that you find Tina Fey sexy? 64.89% of women will be upset with you. "Oh you're only saying that cause she's funny." Take a second think about it and tell her, "That's exactly it. So what's you're excuse for liking Dane Cook"? It's hot when a chick has a legit talent. Hearing Liz Lemon talk about Star Wars and mozzarella sticks make me wanna give her a great post-coitus snuggle. And maybe her movies are lame, but I do find myself laughing at Anna's over the top performances (I'm positive Alec disagrees). So Kirby, the quirky personality is why we love funny women. I don't care about you anymore.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - "Girl who is so attractive that it actually makes her less hot" award - I may fail to make sense of this award, but I'm gonna give it my best shot. Alec has Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson, Steve Smith, Reggie Wayne, and Aaron Hernandez. That team is stacked!!! Tommy and All Day outscore people's entire teams some week! There is no way this team can lose. Wait...they're 2-3??? Yup. It's the exact opposite of the Charles Peach girl, this one is so hot that you know you will never, EVER have a shot. He's Gisele Bundchen, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry all wrapped up in one. Talk to people about their "top 5" girls and a lot of the time these three are actually omitted! What? Why? Because it's too easy or cliche to pick them to be you're hottest girl. Either way these girls and the players on this team are stacked! We may remember this come playoff time.
First or Last - Dan - "Girl who was hot in the beginning but now can't quite live up to it" Award - This one hurts. I can't stress how much this isn't an insult! For short I'm calling this the Kelly Kapowski award. Starting to make sense yet? No? Ok. Dan wins year one and keeps Arian Foster and Chris Johnson. Currently he is in 7th place, one spot out of the playoffs, and is carrying a winning record. Didn't realize it did you? His bar has been set so high that none of these things seem to be enough. Just like poor Kelly Kapowski.
Kelly Kapowski shot us all into puberty. Kelly Kapowski was the first girl we ever loved. Kelly Kapowski is who we compare our wives and girl friends to, and they always will fail to live up to her. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SINGLE??? And want to see modern day Kelly Kapowski? Uh yea. STILL HOT!!! She grew up great! Sadly if shes not in a Bayside High outfit we don't seem to fully appreciate it. Dan,
Kelly Kapowski....I understand.
I can't tell who things are going wrong for more, me or Jessie Spano? Remember kids caffeine pill addiction always leads to cult classic softcore porn movies. On to week 6!!!
Was Kelly Kapowski the most fun girl to look up? YUP!!!
Grundle Stains - Titus - "Girl is hot because she is athletic hot" - I'm basically giving this award to Megatron. Titus has Ray Rice and RunDMC yet all I think about is Megatron and all the crazy shit he can do. There is noone in the league more freakishly athletic then Megatron and that's why hes so damn appealing (in addition to the 20 plus points a week he provides). If Megatron was inconsitant, took plays off or just a little bit slower well he would be Mike Williams from USC, but hes not! Just like if Hope Solo wasn't a goalie for the US shed just be cute, but now shes slamming!!! I would include Lolo Jones in here, but she would be sexy even if she wasn't a world class hurdler.
Rodgers Rejects - Will - "Girl is hot so people will care" Award - We all know the stat. No team relies on one player as much as Will relies on Aaron Rodgers. One player basically makes or breaks this team....where, oh where did I see this before? Notice how there is 1:30 of nothing and then Brooklyn Decker comes out of the water in a yellow bikini and all of a sudden you start to consider seeing this crap movie? Yea that's how hot Brooklyn is, she can carry a garbage movie, any magazine, and even make Andy Roddick forget how to play tennis. Seriously why does he get all riled up during matches when he gets to smash this?
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - "Girl next door hot" Award - Let me do my best Dan imitation..."There is something about his golden hair, or the way he smiles, or how he makes me feel inside. I feel like a school boy in love every-time I can smell his enchanting musk. I just know that he's the one." - Actual entry from Dan Clemson's journal. Seriously though who doesn't like Stilt? He never talks trash, makes fun of himself and we all do wish he was around more. There is a comfort to him that does make you feel like he has always been there. Much like Natalie Portman and Alison Brie. These two ladies have the most wifey worth other then Kelly Kapowski. Hmmm fatigue is starting to set in might be time to get moving....
WuRule#1 - Jason - "Girl is going to fall apart" Award - As I'm typing this Jason traded his second round pick to Pitz for Brandon Marshall. Guess he has faith in Matt Moore. Look, Jason is 4-1 and won last week when he scored 76 points. He is talking trash, getting cocky, and thinks he can win with Eli, Mike Williams and "The Daily Show". I feel like this screams "Mean Girls". Basically this is his last moment of happiness before he goes all Lindsay Lohan and falls apart. Remember her in Mean Girls? Amazing! Then.....well this is how I picture Jason's end of the season. Welcome back to reality.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - "Girl I'm told is hot" Award - Ok remember a few years ago when Paris Hilton was a big deal? I never understood it. Ok one there was her talent level...non-existent, second was personality which didn't exist and "c" there was the fact that she was really good looking or so I was told by the media and really dumb people. I never got it. There are plenty of girls like this in Hollywood right now that we are suppose to believe is really sexy but really just played Carrie in Sex in the City (Ok I actually don't mean that one. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker has been insulted so much that she is becoming attractive to me in a sympathetic way. Kinda like how we all felt for Will last year in the league. Boom!). The point is Larsen is riding the Matthew Stafford and Beanie Wells train, and hes freaking second in the league!!! I don't buy it. It wont last. Not saying he doesn't make the playoffs, but if he wins the league and I can't get a win I will then realize fantasy football is a coin flip and I will just make all of my picks hammered next year because it really doesn't matter.
Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - "Girl I would kill for hot" Award - I loved mine (wrong), Hittners (wrong) and Pitz's (ding!) draft this year. Adding Matt Forte, Freddie Jackson, and Hakeem Nicks to Mike Vick and Wallace and this team is looking solid. Hate to give the award to anyone but here goes. Pitz, you got Sloane buddy. Take care of her....
I know I left some hotties out, and I also know there were probably great examples I missed, and I know for a fact that I rambled and forgot what point I was trying to make more then once (side bar, Community/Sunny/The League was awesome last night I know I did my worst work when those were on). For that I am sorry, but it does totally open up the debating possibilities which will get us through this Friday on the eve of the Baltimore Marathon, which myself, Hittner, Titus and Dan will be competing in a 26.2 mile relay. Wish us luck and always remember the immortal words of Ice Cube:
"Life aint a track meet, its a marathon"
Naginatas Like These - Death - "Girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped" Award - First off I want to explain the new name. I was 0-4. I was willing to try anything....ANYTHING!!! So I changed my name and same result...damn. So yes i gave myself the "girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped award", and I think it makes perfect sense. I drafted two rookies back to back to go with a second year unproven running back as a keeper. High risk, high reward. Ingram hasn't been awful, but he has not lived up to his first round draft selection, Daniel Thomas has yet to get a start from me thanks to the always questionable hamstring, but at-least Jahvid has now developed into a play each week type back. Anyway if this isn't making much sense I'll give you an example. My team is Topanga from "Boy Meets World". Her character was only suppose to be an extra, but she had such a great look they rewrote the story for too become Corey's main love interest! Maybe it was her name, maybe it was the character, maybe it was cause we all grew up with her, but we all hoped for more out of Topanga. Sadly we have this. Now she does look better if you see her now on whatever E! show she does....but nobody sees her on whatever E! show she does.
The Tolbert Report - Peach "Girl who was a cameo in the show you like and now you start to think cause im not famous you might have a shot" Award - So I have dedicated countless hours over the last 3 days to watch all of season 3 and catch up on season 4 of Fringe and one character caught my attention. Her name in the show is listed as Mona, but we all know her as "bug girl". I was all in she was slamming. Then it hit me. Why was she so hot, she seems like a normal girl. Ah ha there it is!!! She is obtainable! She isn't super famous and out of our league. She also did a show that I love giving her bonus points (since I would never be able to pull Agent Dunham). That's just what Peach is. He is settling into the realization that his pick of Manning will never be genius just as "bug girl" will never star in movies, and to all of us a win is pretty obtainable. Also see "Sexy Blue Striped Shirt Girl from Lost".
Side bar I am so screwed if I lose to him this week.
Second side bar I really couldn't think of another example. Saffron from Firefly is actually legit hot, and every extra/guest star from Entourage is basically slamming so that's out as well. I just saw "Jewelry Store Girl" on there and realized I can't open this can of worms. I could do a whole blog on just that. Wait.....what am I...OH FANTASY FOOTBALL!!! Ok. Got it. Getting on with it.
Do You Like Apples? - AD - "Girl is slutty hot" Award - Last year trades helped Hitter out. He gave "it" up and got good returns like Aaron Rodgers and Jeremy Maclin. This year he goes right back to swapping and exchanging with any partner he can find and the outcome has become kinda negative. He is so Jen! According to tabloids she doesn't have a last name anymore. Seriously though remember when she was America's sweetheart after Brad left her? Now she's running through Hollywood just trying to find love again....she is trying pretty hard. Ya know though...the similarities fit between Jen and AD, but she doesn't count as slutty hot...ah this is better. And this is even better. Excuse me while I go watch a Katy Perry video.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - "Girl who is hot because she is legitimately funny" Award - We all laugh every time Kirby does something in this league. Icing him at the draft, the way he doesn't really talk about anything football related in the email chains, the way he scores 126 points one week and then 67 the next. Everything is funny and that's why we keep him around, and why we like him a little more then we should. Yea he's Tina Fey and Anna Faris.You ever tell a girl that you find Tina Fey sexy? 64.89% of women will be upset with you. "Oh you're only saying that cause she's funny." Take a second think about it and tell her, "That's exactly it. So what's you're excuse for liking Dane Cook"? It's hot when a chick has a legit talent. Hearing Liz Lemon talk about Star Wars and mozzarella sticks make me wanna give her a great post-coitus snuggle. And maybe her movies are lame, but I do find myself laughing at Anna's over the top performances (I'm positive Alec disagrees). So Kirby, the quirky personality is why we love funny women. I don't care about you anymore.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - "Girl who is so attractive that it actually makes her less hot" award - I may fail to make sense of this award, but I'm gonna give it my best shot. Alec has Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson, Steve Smith, Reggie Wayne, and Aaron Hernandez. That team is stacked!!! Tommy and All Day outscore people's entire teams some week! There is no way this team can lose. Wait...they're 2-3??? Yup. It's the exact opposite of the Charles Peach girl, this one is so hot that you know you will never, EVER have a shot. He's Gisele Bundchen, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry all wrapped up in one. Talk to people about their "top 5" girls and a lot of the time these three are actually omitted! What? Why? Because it's too easy or cliche to pick them to be you're hottest girl. Either way these girls and the players on this team are stacked! We may remember this come playoff time.
First or Last - Dan - "Girl who was hot in the beginning but now can't quite live up to it" Award - This one hurts. I can't stress how much this isn't an insult! For short I'm calling this the Kelly Kapowski award. Starting to make sense yet? No? Ok. Dan wins year one and keeps Arian Foster and Chris Johnson. Currently he is in 7th place, one spot out of the playoffs, and is carrying a winning record. Didn't realize it did you? His bar has been set so high that none of these things seem to be enough. Just like poor Kelly Kapowski.
Kelly Kapowski shot us all into puberty. Kelly Kapowski was the first girl we ever loved. Kelly Kapowski is who we compare our wives and girl friends to, and they always will fail to live up to her. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SINGLE??? And want to see modern day Kelly Kapowski? Uh yea. STILL HOT!!! She grew up great! Sadly if shes not in a Bayside High outfit we don't seem to fully appreciate it. Dan,
Kelly Kapowski....I understand.
I can't tell who things are going wrong for more, me or Jessie Spano? Remember kids caffeine pill addiction always leads to cult classic softcore porn movies. On to week 6!!!
Was Kelly Kapowski the most fun girl to look up? YUP!!!
Grundle Stains - Titus - "Girl is hot because she is athletic hot" - I'm basically giving this award to Megatron. Titus has Ray Rice and RunDMC yet all I think about is Megatron and all the crazy shit he can do. There is noone in the league more freakishly athletic then Megatron and that's why hes so damn appealing (in addition to the 20 plus points a week he provides). If Megatron was inconsitant, took plays off or just a little bit slower well he would be Mike Williams from USC, but hes not! Just like if Hope Solo wasn't a goalie for the US shed just be cute, but now shes slamming!!! I would include Lolo Jones in here, but she would be sexy even if she wasn't a world class hurdler.
Rodgers Rejects - Will - "Girl is hot so people will care" Award - We all know the stat. No team relies on one player as much as Will relies on Aaron Rodgers. One player basically makes or breaks this team....where, oh where did I see this before? Notice how there is 1:30 of nothing and then Brooklyn Decker comes out of the water in a yellow bikini and all of a sudden you start to consider seeing this crap movie? Yea that's how hot Brooklyn is, she can carry a garbage movie, any magazine, and even make Andy Roddick forget how to play tennis. Seriously why does he get all riled up during matches when he gets to smash this?
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - "Girl next door hot" Award - Let me do my best Dan imitation..."There is something about his golden hair, or the way he smiles, or how he makes me feel inside. I feel like a school boy in love every-time I can smell his enchanting musk. I just know that he's the one." - Actual entry from Dan Clemson's journal. Seriously though who doesn't like Stilt? He never talks trash, makes fun of himself and we all do wish he was around more. There is a comfort to him that does make you feel like he has always been there. Much like Natalie Portman and Alison Brie. These two ladies have the most wifey worth other then Kelly Kapowski. Hmmm fatigue is starting to set in might be time to get moving....
WuRule#1 - Jason - "Girl is going to fall apart" Award - As I'm typing this Jason traded his second round pick to Pitz for Brandon Marshall. Guess he has faith in Matt Moore. Look, Jason is 4-1 and won last week when he scored 76 points. He is talking trash, getting cocky, and thinks he can win with Eli, Mike Williams and "The Daily Show". I feel like this screams "Mean Girls". Basically this is his last moment of happiness before he goes all Lindsay Lohan and falls apart. Remember her in Mean Girls? Amazing! Then.....well this is how I picture Jason's end of the season. Welcome back to reality.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - "Girl I'm told is hot" Award - Ok remember a few years ago when Paris Hilton was a big deal? I never understood it. Ok one there was her talent level...non-existent, second was personality which didn't exist and "c" there was the fact that she was really good looking or so I was told by the media and really dumb people. I never got it. There are plenty of girls like this in Hollywood right now that we are suppose to believe is really sexy but really just played Carrie in Sex in the City (Ok I actually don't mean that one. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker has been insulted so much that she is becoming attractive to me in a sympathetic way. Kinda like how we all felt for Will last year in the league. Boom!). The point is Larsen is riding the Matthew Stafford and Beanie Wells train, and hes freaking second in the league!!! I don't buy it. It wont last. Not saying he doesn't make the playoffs, but if he wins the league and I can't get a win I will then realize fantasy football is a coin flip and I will just make all of my picks hammered next year because it really doesn't matter.
Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - "Girl I would kill for hot" Award - I loved mine (wrong), Hittners (wrong) and Pitz's (ding!) draft this year. Adding Matt Forte, Freddie Jackson, and Hakeem Nicks to Mike Vick and Wallace and this team is looking solid. Hate to give the award to anyone but here goes. Pitz, you got Sloane buddy. Take care of her....
I know I left some hotties out, and I also know there were probably great examples I missed, and I know for a fact that I rambled and forgot what point I was trying to make more then once (side bar, Community/Sunny/The League was awesome last night I know I did my worst work when those were on). For that I am sorry, but it does totally open up the debating possibilities which will get us through this Friday on the eve of the Baltimore Marathon, which myself, Hittner, Titus and Dan will be competing in a 26.2 mile relay. Wish us luck and always remember the immortal words of Ice Cube:
"Life aint a track meet, its a marathon"
Friday, October 7, 2011
Week 4 Recap
Yea, yea, yea. I didn't do a week 3 recap. I was too busy having the best week of my life (if you don't know what all happened ask me sometime when my words won't be posted on the internet). Anyway I normally would be watching Tigers/Yankees ALDS where Verlander and Sabathia will battle it out in game 3, however I am up just 2.96 points with Joseph Addai left for Titus I'm going to be all in on Monday Night Football (ok that was such a lie I'm going to be flipping back to baseball...a lot...). And now as an added treat since this is the first time I have been home on my couch before 11pm in well over a week I got the laptop out and this weeks blog will be a running diary of my breakdown as I lose for a 4 straight week (not including playoffs).
8:34 - Ok I get it pink = boobies. We all like boobies, but enough already!!! Rhonde Barber is my cutoff. Have you seen the sleeves he is wearing? Really goes well with the red and gold of Tampa.
8:36 - Gruden just mentioned that they need to feed the ball to Addai. I hate this already.
8:37 - The National Anthem is being sung by two dudes from the band "Sister Hazel". What?
8:38 - Weird Jason. Tampa didn't yell the BALTIMORE "O".....also I just set up a DVR recording for Monday Night Raw, so now I have something to watch tomorrow.
8:40 - Granderson just drove in Jeter and the Colts are starting with the ball. I wasn't planning on drinking tonight but I very close to cracking a beer.
8:41 - Sorry, Ronde I thought the sleeves were bad, but I just hadn't seen the socks yet.
8:43 - Addai gets his first carry and my heart just stopped. 1 yard gain. BUT HE COMES OFF THE FIELD FOR 3RD AND 3!!!
8:43 - 5 yard catch for Dallas Clark and Addai and his stupid dreads are back. He gets the ball and FUCK....8 yard gain. This is over. Why did I do a running blog?
8:44 - Aqib Talib is wearing too much pink too, but he just hit Addai behind the line!!!
8:45 - Painter completes another 3rd and short. Damnit!!!
8:45 - Delone Carter sighting!!! Quick Curtis score!!!
8:48 - Adam Vinetari bangs a 45 yard field goal, and I have a .96 lead. I was hoping this would drag out just a bit longer...
8:53 - I'm watching the clock tick down from 10 minutes left in the first quarter and hoping the Bucs will just work the clock. I have officially lost my mind.
8:55 - 3 and out??? 3 and out??? Damnit JAAAAAAAASH....
8:55 - Gruden tells us that Dwight Freeney had to dig down deep in his bag of tricks to find the spin move. Apparently Gruden has never seen Dwight Freeney play since the only trick this pony has is a spin move. Mighty fine spin move though. Mighty fine.
8:56 - Hugh Jackman teaches a robot to box. Makes sense.
8:59 - My season is over.
9:40 - Addai loses a yard and I foolishly think I have hope...
9:43 - I turn the channel to TBS and never come back
Well I could not have been let down more by this. Worst part is he only wins by 1.84. That's it. Well shit. If thats all Addai was going to do all game then why not drag it out so this column could have had a bit more to it? I really liked this idea but between going 0-4 and it all happening within an hour its screwed me twice this week. And with that the two week hiatus returns not with a bang...but a very weak whimper.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - And still the only undefeated team. Not only does that phrase surprise me, but his top scorer this season...BEANIE WELLS!!! Of course, who didn't see that coming? The MVP of the best team in our league is Beanie Wells. Oh right, Beanie also missed a game already. But then again when he scores 31.8 points in a week their stats will probably look pretty good around week 4. I'm like a parent in a Will Smith song...I just don't understand.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - Cam Newton is awesome...Wes Welker is unreal...I love Baltimore's defense. I ran out of a lot of points really fast...crap think quick...damnit...I feel like the time when Will's mustache falls off when he meets Ms. Sharpe.
Just The Tip Drill - Pitz - Lets see what should I talk about first...oh right I know how about how Matt Forte AGAIN cracks the 20 point mark, and damn near scores 30! Pitz does also have a knack for the trades, newly acquired Hakeem Nicks put up 22.2. Fred Jackson added to the cause and scored 15.8. But lets be honest Pitz getting Mike Vick back on track was key. Vick added a solid 31.14 for the tip drill raising their record to 3-1. Vick is amazing to watch. Seeing some of the plays he makes reminds me of this. Except you know, Will won that game.
Grundle Stains - Titus - Megatron isn't fair (21.6 points, but it felt like alot more. He really isn't. Did you see the play where Stafford just chucked it up to him in triple coverage in the endzone? The worst part is it's almost like the Lions know this. They refuse to give him the ball until they are down 20. It's a sick joke they play.
"Hmmm. 21 point game Matthew. What do you think we should do?"
"I know coach! We'll run a naked bootleg to the right and hit the tight end with a screen!!!"
"No Matthew. You're going to take a 5 step drop and throw it down field as far as you can."
"But...what if noone is there? Or Megatron is covered???"
"Just throw the fucking ball and don't get hurt."
Actually I'm pretty sure Stafford is on board with that play too. Not really sure why I wrote him like that. Although I can totally picture Stafford going home on a nightly basis giving himself a high five because he has Megatron and then following it up with this.
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - So it looks like continuing to start Vincent Jackson (the #2 overall pick in the draft mind you...even though he still should have taken Matt Forte, but whatever) has paid off for Jason. This week VJax scored 16.8 points for the Wu, joining forces with Eli Manning (18.54), Jason Witten (15.4), and Lesean McCoy (11.2) for another win for Jason this year. Jeez last year we all treated him like Jazz, but this year? Wow...I mean did anyone expect him to be 3-1?
Rodgers Rejects - Will - I know I've gone into it before but I have to go back. If the season ended today Lars, Pitz, Jason and Will would all be in the playoffs. Wow. I seem to be repeating "wow" a lot in this blog but come on this is crazy! Not nearly as crazy as what Aaron Rodgers did on Sunday. 46.92 points!!! When you read that you have to sound like Doc from "Back to the Future" when he talks about 1.21 Jigawatts (I would link it, but then I'm just crushing my trend). Anyway just like Matthew Stafford I bet will gives himself a high five every Sunday and then does his dance.
There really is nothing else to talk about and I just had to include this. Ok fine...now the follow up.
First or Last - Dan - Dan's status as the villain of the league really doesn't feel as pronounced this season, but I'm sure we all know it's still there. I guess it's a little harder to brew hatred when you're 2-2, though I wouldn't put anything past Dan. Although this week may have felt like a loss, it should still kinda feel like a win. Arian Foster(22.6) and CJ2K(11.2) finally showed up! If this is a continuing trend we are all going to hate Dan again, as much as we hate this guy.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - Two weeks ago I wrote about spending a whole day with Alec watching football, he confidently told me about how happy he was with the Grabbers. At 1-3 now I wonder if he is still that happy? Well I assume he can be, as long as he has his Tommy.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - Yea, these are getting short now. Must be getting close to wrapping up time...I'm not sure what to make of Kirby's team. They are 1-3 with their one win coming as a giant ass whopping to Alec. He only broke 80 once and that was the game he won where he went off for 126 points. What the h??? Ah well atleast he has brought it to all of our attentions that it is beer week in Baltimore. Think Kirby ends up in prime condition?
Do You Like Apples? - AD - So mad I lost this game. Hittner almost cracked 90 this week. The only time he had done that previously was against me. Awesome. Not only are these about to keep getting shorter, but I'm about to start getting more and more bitter. I gotta do something to mellow out, and Hittner could probably use it too since I'm sure not a day goes by that he doesn't think about poor Jamaal Charles and his knee. So lets get a little young Tyra Banks in here.
Tolbert Report - Peach - HEY HE BREAKS OUT OF THE 70'S!!! Points that is, he's not a hippy. Peach made a hard move and traded away Hakeem Nicks, but it might be for the best as Lagerrett Blount went had a great first week with the Report scoring 20.10 points leading the team to another loss. Peach has made plenty of moves but the future still looks bleak for this team. Hopefully Peach will get to go on a buisness trip and visit the star of his show. It has to be impossible to think of your struggling fantasy team when you go to visit DLB. Right? Even if it's not the right season.
Flounder Pounders - Death - This is brutal. If I lose again expect to see me lose my mind.
There really is nothing else to talk about and I just had to include this. Ok fine...now the follow up. See everyone Sunday...GICHA GICHA WILD WILD WEST!!!
8:34 - Ok I get it pink = boobies. We all like boobies, but enough already!!! Rhonde Barber is my cutoff. Have you seen the sleeves he is wearing? Really goes well with the red and gold of Tampa.
8:36 - Gruden just mentioned that they need to feed the ball to Addai. I hate this already.
8:37 - The National Anthem is being sung by two dudes from the band "Sister Hazel". What?
8:38 - Weird Jason. Tampa didn't yell the BALTIMORE "O".....also I just set up a DVR recording for Monday Night Raw, so now I have something to watch tomorrow.
8:40 - Granderson just drove in Jeter and the Colts are starting with the ball. I wasn't planning on drinking tonight but I very close to cracking a beer.
8:41 - Sorry, Ronde I thought the sleeves were bad, but I just hadn't seen the socks yet.
8:43 - Addai gets his first carry and my heart just stopped. 1 yard gain. BUT HE COMES OFF THE FIELD FOR 3RD AND 3!!!
8:43 - 5 yard catch for Dallas Clark and Addai and his stupid dreads are back. He gets the ball and FUCK....8 yard gain. This is over. Why did I do a running blog?
8:44 - Aqib Talib is wearing too much pink too, but he just hit Addai behind the line!!!
8:45 - Painter completes another 3rd and short. Damnit!!!
8:45 - Delone Carter sighting!!! Quick Curtis score!!!
8:48 - Adam Vinetari bangs a 45 yard field goal, and I have a .96 lead. I was hoping this would drag out just a bit longer...
8:53 - I'm watching the clock tick down from 10 minutes left in the first quarter and hoping the Bucs will just work the clock. I have officially lost my mind.
8:55 - 3 and out??? 3 and out??? Damnit JAAAAAAAASH....
8:55 - Gruden tells us that Dwight Freeney had to dig down deep in his bag of tricks to find the spin move. Apparently Gruden has never seen Dwight Freeney play since the only trick this pony has is a spin move. Mighty fine spin move though. Mighty fine.
8:56 - Hugh Jackman teaches a robot to box. Makes sense.
8:59 - My season is over.
9:40 - Addai loses a yard and I foolishly think I have hope...
9:43 - I turn the channel to TBS and never come back
Well I could not have been let down more by this. Worst part is he only wins by 1.84. That's it. Well shit. If thats all Addai was going to do all game then why not drag it out so this column could have had a bit more to it? I really liked this idea but between going 0-4 and it all happening within an hour its screwed me twice this week. And with that the two week hiatus returns not with a bang...but a very weak whimper.
ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - And still the only undefeated team. Not only does that phrase surprise me, but his top scorer this season...BEANIE WELLS!!! Of course, who didn't see that coming? The MVP of the best team in our league is Beanie Wells. Oh right, Beanie also missed a game already. But then again when he scores 31.8 points in a week their stats will probably look pretty good around week 4. I'm like a parent in a Will Smith song...I just don't understand.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - Cam Newton is awesome...Wes Welker is unreal...I love Baltimore's defense. I ran out of a lot of points really fast...crap think quick...damnit...I feel like the time when Will's mustache falls off when he meets Ms. Sharpe.
Just The Tip Drill - Pitz - Lets see what should I talk about first...oh right I know how about how Matt Forte AGAIN cracks the 20 point mark, and damn near scores 30! Pitz does also have a knack for the trades, newly acquired Hakeem Nicks put up 22.2. Fred Jackson added to the cause and scored 15.8. But lets be honest Pitz getting Mike Vick back on track was key. Vick added a solid 31.14 for the tip drill raising their record to 3-1. Vick is amazing to watch. Seeing some of the plays he makes reminds me of this. Except you know, Will won that game.
Grundle Stains - Titus - Megatron isn't fair (21.6 points, but it felt like alot more. He really isn't. Did you see the play where Stafford just chucked it up to him in triple coverage in the endzone? The worst part is it's almost like the Lions know this. They refuse to give him the ball until they are down 20. It's a sick joke they play.
"Hmmm. 21 point game Matthew. What do you think we should do?"
"I know coach! We'll run a naked bootleg to the right and hit the tight end with a screen!!!"
"No Matthew. You're going to take a 5 step drop and throw it down field as far as you can."
"But...what if noone is there? Or Megatron is covered???"
"Just throw the fucking ball and don't get hurt."
Actually I'm pretty sure Stafford is on board with that play too. Not really sure why I wrote him like that. Although I can totally picture Stafford going home on a nightly basis giving himself a high five because he has Megatron and then following it up with this.
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - So it looks like continuing to start Vincent Jackson (the #2 overall pick in the draft mind you...even though he still should have taken Matt Forte, but whatever) has paid off for Jason. This week VJax scored 16.8 points for the Wu, joining forces with Eli Manning (18.54), Jason Witten (15.4), and Lesean McCoy (11.2) for another win for Jason this year. Jeez last year we all treated him like Jazz, but this year? Wow...I mean did anyone expect him to be 3-1?
Rodgers Rejects - Will - I know I've gone into it before but I have to go back. If the season ended today Lars, Pitz, Jason and Will would all be in the playoffs. Wow. I seem to be repeating "wow" a lot in this blog but come on this is crazy! Not nearly as crazy as what Aaron Rodgers did on Sunday. 46.92 points!!! When you read that you have to sound like Doc from "Back to the Future" when he talks about 1.21 Jigawatts (I would link it, but then I'm just crushing my trend). Anyway just like Matthew Stafford I bet will gives himself a high five every Sunday and then does his dance.
There really is nothing else to talk about and I just had to include this. Ok fine...now the follow up.
First or Last - Dan - Dan's status as the villain of the league really doesn't feel as pronounced this season, but I'm sure we all know it's still there. I guess it's a little harder to brew hatred when you're 2-2, though I wouldn't put anything past Dan. Although this week may have felt like a loss, it should still kinda feel like a win. Arian Foster(22.6) and CJ2K(11.2) finally showed up! If this is a continuing trend we are all going to hate Dan again, as much as we hate this guy.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - Two weeks ago I wrote about spending a whole day with Alec watching football, he confidently told me about how happy he was with the Grabbers. At 1-3 now I wonder if he is still that happy? Well I assume he can be, as long as he has his Tommy.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - Yea, these are getting short now. Must be getting close to wrapping up time...I'm not sure what to make of Kirby's team. They are 1-3 with their one win coming as a giant ass whopping to Alec. He only broke 80 once and that was the game he won where he went off for 126 points. What the h??? Ah well atleast he has brought it to all of our attentions that it is beer week in Baltimore. Think Kirby ends up in prime condition?
Do You Like Apples? - AD - So mad I lost this game. Hittner almost cracked 90 this week. The only time he had done that previously was against me. Awesome. Not only are these about to keep getting shorter, but I'm about to start getting more and more bitter. I gotta do something to mellow out, and Hittner could probably use it too since I'm sure not a day goes by that he doesn't think about poor Jamaal Charles and his knee. So lets get a little young Tyra Banks in here.
Tolbert Report - Peach - HEY HE BREAKS OUT OF THE 70'S!!! Points that is, he's not a hippy. Peach made a hard move and traded away Hakeem Nicks, but it might be for the best as Lagerrett Blount went had a great first week with the Report scoring 20.10 points leading the team to another loss. Peach has made plenty of moves but the future still looks bleak for this team. Hopefully Peach will get to go on a buisness trip and visit the star of his show. It has to be impossible to think of your struggling fantasy team when you go to visit DLB. Right? Even if it's not the right season.
Flounder Pounders - Death - This is brutal. If I lose again expect to see me lose my mind.
There really is nothing else to talk about and I just had to include this. Ok fine...now the follow up. See everyone Sunday...GICHA GICHA WILD WILD WEST!!!
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