Company party last night. My options at work: do something; nope lack the ability, read the internet; done, talk to people on gchat; hate you guys, actually do a fucking blog......hmmm....hmmm....but I don't wanna....well then today will be the longest day of your life. Hmm good point me. Of course it is. Now go hit repeat on Bruno Mars' "Locked Outta Heaven" cause the song is perfect and lets insult some people!
So here we go. I hate this season. Season 2 was bad luck, season 3 was just me being dumb and hating life. Good laugh all of you I DONT CARE. I actually do. This is miserable. Why am I going into this sob mode? Easy, I'm not going to be happy go lucky. I hate all of you. ALL OF YOU. So this recap will be how I feel about each and everyone of you as our season (read mine) has ended. Also a reminder....I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!
Angry Blackmon - Peach - Only other player to EVER start Mark Ingram. Naturally he preforms better for Peach. I drafted Ingram in the 3rd round. Just wanted to remind everyone. What pisses me off even more, is that Peach traded away everything for 4th rounders. His team is so bad he is starting David Wilson for his return touchdowns....SO OF COURSE HE HAS A TOP 4 PICK. The gods are cruel. Not because of me drafting after Peach, but because he will be our beer bitch again, and what does that mean? It means Kirby constantly getting up to hand us some of his beer while Peach contemplates taking Peyton Manning forth overall, assuming he doesn't get the number 1 pick overall for a third time in 4 drafts.
Mt Airy Moonshiners - Titus - Not doing the stupid caps thing. Honestly this is the best team name hes ever had and he still finds a way to fuck it up. So here is my Titus story. Trade deadline I send Titus a few trade offers for Ray Rice. Basically prepared to offer him Torrey/Mathews and a third for Ray Rice and a late kick back (back in the long long ago I actually had a shot at the playoffs, yea I don't believe me either). Titus tells me he has an offer for a running back already and isn't interested in anything I have to offer. Well we all know what happens next. Dan gets Ray Rice for a 4th and Felix Jones. Everytime you guys curse about how good Dan's team is, remember this paragraph. Then remember how much we hate Titus, BEFORE he giftwrapped the championship for Dan.
Regester Regulators - Death - I had Adrian Peterson, took Ryan Mathews. Traded Doug Martin for Miles Austin. If anyone of you walks up and slaps me in the face just make sure you bring one of these moments up before I can react. It's basically a get outta jail free card. Oh right. To sum up my season. I would have beat Titus this week, except for the fact that Haloti injured RG3 in the 4th quarter. Which as a Ravens fan I loved. Then Kirk Cousins dominates us the rest of the game. Of course the Ravens lose and another Redskin qb racks up points. Offuckingcourse.
Rodgers Rejects - Will - Who? I don't know this guy. How did he get in our league? I'm not even angry at him. I'm apathetic towards whoever this person is.
Cactus Wranglers - Larsen - The fantasy moment for me before this weekend. The matchup that knocked me out of playoff contention (and after the trade deadline). Falcons are playing on Sunday night football. Matt Ryan drops back and throws a slant/post whatever to Julio Jones. Julio is GONE. Leaving the defense in his dust. Then he trips. On what? Nothing. Just trips and gets tackled. 2 plays later Micheal Turner scores a touchdown. Offuckingcourse. I lose to Lars. He kept Larry Fitzgerald and Micheal Turner. Why do the gods hate me?
Whatever Dan wants - Pitz - I have to say I'm impressed. This is the third time Pitz wins General Manager of the year. What is strange about that though is he finds himself in the consolation bracket for the second time in three years.
FreshPrincesOfBelAir - Stilt - I don't know if my hangover is subsiding, or I just lack the ability to hate Stilt. Even my loss to him prior to Larsen was due to Andre Johnson catching a 50 yard td in overtime (last play of the game, behind the line of scrimmage bubble screen, seriously my season has been fucked from day one) I kind of just accepted it. What power does he have over us all? He ices you (yes best way possible, but still) hes made the playoffs every year, misses drafts, disappears for months on end, and yet....we love him? I'm struggling to be surly. Fuck I'm rooting for Stilt to win it all.....
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Martin. Doug Marin.
(If you notice I misspelled Martin in once and copy and pasted that over and over again bravo.)
Ok actual Jason rant. We can all agree that fantasy football is pure luck right? Hittner put it best. "Just look at Jason. He's in the playoffs, and his first selection in our draft was the 4th round. And he took Brian Quick."
I hate this game.
Kirby's FF Team - Kirby - So were hanging out at Stilts parking spot before the Ravens/Steelers game and Kirbys dad made a joke about banging a chick. I don't even think I laughed. I just looked at the two of them and said "OOOOOOOOOOOOOH". He is his fathers son. They are the same person. Except Kirby's dad has hair. HA! Burn. I actually am happy for Kirby to be in the playoffs though. I'm sure Dan has stats to back this up, but I feel like he's been the best team to watch the post season for the last 3 years. Kudos my friend. Kudos.
Y'all Musta Forgot - Hittner - Eli Manning, Jordy Nelson, Fred Jackson. Think about this for a second. If Hittner doesn't draft CJ Spiller (handcuff to Fjax) or the Bears Defense (homer pick) this team is probably awful. I'm taking alot of heat for having a stacked draft gone wrong, but going into it Pitz, Hittner, and I were the three looking the best in terms of draft picks. Two of us are out of the playoffs, and the other lost in the first round. This game is bullshit.
BlackRice-Chapter3 - Dan - I speak for everyone when I say. Fuck you Dan. If he wins this year I think we disband this league and start all over. I'm only half kidding. Also just remember what I wrote about in Titus's section, this is all his fault.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - My most hatefelt rant. In Alec's car post dutchies one day. Alec is talking me off the cliff because I'm so distraught about losing in fantasy. He tells me "Just look at what I do. Draft the same guys every year. Bank on Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and that's it." I dont know if I should be thanking him and moving forward with that strategy, or just bitchslapping him for not caring. His concerns before every draft are as follows and in order: 1) dont mess up the house to where Lisa will get upset 2) meet up with Lisa after the draft 3) don't over cook the chili 4) make fun of Peach 5) watch "goddamnitdonald" no less then 17 times 6) draft Percy Harvin 7) trade to get Percy Harvin 8) have fun 9) whatever 10) select a team. I hate caring. I hate loving. I hate Alec. I hate Dan. I hate the playoffs. I hate fantasy football. I hate, I hate I hate.
Ugh. Atleast I'll always have this.
Sorry this is quick, lazy and rather angry. I've done an awful job of doing recaps this season and you all have let me know how I let you down. Let's just chalk up season 3 as an off year for the ole commish and hope I'll be back and better then ever in 2013. Lets go Ravens. Lets go Villa. Lets go O's. Lets go America.
