WHEW! I'M BACK BABY!. What a draft, am I right? Time to look and see how everyone is going to fare going into week 1.......huh....its week 5! Well atleast my team should be better then last year.....I' 1-3???? I HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL! Ok, calm down, calm down. You had an amazing draft with picks in the first 3 rounds, I'm sure your team is fine (if you're wondering, the answer is yes I am talking to myself through the medium of this blog, you already knew I was crazy so this should come as no surprise right? I already told them! God why do you ALWAYS interrupt? Cause you take to long with this shit, I mean case in point right here! Oh right the blog! Duh! Shut up.) We drafted Ryan Mathews and we know hes going to be a lead back for the Chargers, lets just get through the week 1 injury and well be fine. (editors note: Ryan Mathews is now #2 on the depth chart and sat out for two weeks). Next, real good, safe pick with Greg Jennings. Solid numbers a sure cant miss to go with the gambles you make later (Greg Jennings hasn't played in one healthy game yet). Ok second round, lets take Doug Martin. (And then lets have Jason punch us in the nuts and take the pick). Boom. We are looking good, so lets take young upstart wide receiver Torrey Smith (hmmmm, survey says you didn't screw this up. Good job). Last pick in the second round RG3!!! (Survey says, NAILED IT! YES!) Ok, third round, MARK INGRAM! Break out year and I get him for the next 2! Brilliant! (DAMNIT!!!) Oh, look at that, another third round pick (cause youre stupid!) MILES AUSTIN! (OVER A TIGHT END? WHY DONT YOU JUST TRADE AWAY A 4TH ROUNDER NEXT YEAR! Wait....this actually worked out for us? Well ok).
Are you all happy you laughed at my expense? Good. Jerks. Let me now tell you why I recapped that; other then the Ravens being 3-1 that is honestly ALL I know about the NFL this year. Haven't been watching, haven't been paying attention to waiver wires (kinda was hoping I'd get a lucky Jason thing going, NOPE), nothing. I'm kinda clueless right now (no jokes assholes, this is my blog!). With that being said I'm going to go ahead and do my typical blog things while making assumptions on the season based on the little things I may or may not actually know. You should all be well aware that these facts are 100% accurate.
YA'LL MUSTA FORGOT - Hittner - FACT: The Bills are the best team in the NFL. Playoff football in 2012 is all about two things, running the ball and stopping the run. Well apparently the Bills do the first thing ALOT. CJ Spiller is well on his way to 5,000 rushing yards, and I don't see anything being able to stop him. If you have money, any money at all, take it and bet it on CJ Spiller leading the NFL in yards from scrimmage. This guy is a durable tank, only thing stopping him is a healthy Fred Jackson, certainly wont be a collar bone. Side bar. I love Hittner's name. LOVE IT!!!. It reminds me of good times at Towson, where we used to rush back from practice to my dorm room and watch that show with the too guys who argue about sports back and forth (this was before PTI had a name), then we ran to the dining hall and I was able to eat 4 plates of pasta and gain 6 more pounds of muscle mass. If I could do it again I would just walk around with my shirt off reminding myself that I will never look this good again. It will also go well with the ego I had back then to. Side bar to the side bar, I have no idea where this recap is going to go, so god speed children.
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - FACT: RG3sus has lead the Redskins to a perfect 4-0 season and lead the NFC. 2012 is the year of Alec. He's getting married this November, came to 18 O's games and only saw them lose once, AND his Redskins look unbeatable. Look It's no secret that I have an RG3sus obsession, and it should be no secret that I called this from the offseason. It's he cool calm demeanor in the huddle that through osmosis will go to all the other players and allow them to rise to levels they never thought they would achieve and be truly focused on the task at hand. Back to the Alec wedding. Has anyone ever gotten away with just not sending a wedding gift? I normally take them to the actual wedding, but from what I understand I have a full calender year to send them something. Does the bride take notes? I mean I have already gotten to eat and drink for free at this point, and for the first few months you will be too busy or tired from the whole party that you won't be thinking about the ONE gift from me. By the time you have that one moment where it dawns on you that I may not have gotten you something I would definitely be able to get away with it. If you were to confront me I could just get away with a lie. "Did I get you a wedding gift?" "Wow, thanks for not using the solid silver gravy boat." I know these things, I'm married. Alec, see you on December 4!
Earn'n and Burn'n - Dan - FACT: Saints aren't missing a beat this year. Dan is emerging as a hot team again this year and I think all credit has to be given to Drew Brees (Mark Ingram is a close second I can only assume). Know what really sucks about the whole Saints thing? It's like when the Dutchmasters are playing a game and the ref is calling nothing the whole first half. The other team is pushing, kicking, cheapshotting when the play is away from the refs vision. Then in one moment when the game is getting intense and heated and the official now knows he needs to do something he reacts to slight foul from Alec and gives him a card. Alec then loses his mind and starts screaming "Bullshit" because, well it is. Now while we all love a great frustrated Alec rant on the pitch nobody likes whats going on with the Saints right now. Unless you're in the NFC, then its kinda fun. Stupid Goodell.
The Praying Mantises - Pitz - FACT: The Bears are really good this year. Looking at Pitz's team I immediately notice that two of his top performers are skill players from the Chicago Bears. Shame Jay Cutler isn't on Pitz's team because he has been able to take advantage of his playmakers, and honestly would be a huge upgrade over the disappointing Matt Ryan (just see the lack of success Julio Jones had last week, Ryan is struggling). In fact I'm proud of Jay Cutler. Being able to focus on football, and improving his image this season has been tremendous. Why I've heard hes even gotten involved in teaching kids the harm of cigarette smoke. That Jay Cutler, what a guy.
4U70B07$ - Titus - FACT: This is the best name we've ever had (quite a feat when you think of all the names Lars has had over the years). Yes I get it, it says autobots. WHY? Who are the autobots, your team of football players? What do they transform into, underachievers? I wish Titus didn't have Ray Rice. All I want to do is run down a list of why each player on his team sucks, but I couldn't do it as soon as I saw Ray. He's like an adorable puppy with an abusive owner. That's right Titus beats puppies. Thats another fact. Autobots....oh right, sorry, it's cool cause you used numbers as letters. Who does that? There is ONE case, and ONE case alone when that's allowed, and that's when you take your calculator and you spell boobs! That's the America I remember, and that's why I beat you this week!
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - FACT: Danny Amendola leads the NFL in receiving, and the Eagles are finding success this season by running the ball. Of course he gets a win because Danny Amendola goes off for 48 points. How does he win? I don't get it. I drafted solid guys in the first 3 rounds. Other then giving him Doug Martin, Jason's first pick was Jacoby Quick. This angers me. To no end. Jason has two wins this season, and he doesn't even know how to read. Seriously. We talk about comics and I ask him "who wrote it?" his first reaction is to tell me an artist name, because looking at the pretty pictures from a Jim Lee comic is almost as much fun as reading popup books. Just know he is going to score 240 points this week....because I'm his opponent.
Rodgers Rejects - Will - FACT: Green Bay Packers haven't won a game all season, and Aaron Rodgers lost his throwing arm in a car accident and to make matters worse he was NOT insured by State Farm. So awkward when he could only half discount double check. It was a discount single check. How do I know things are going back for the Pack? Well Will send us an email trying to trade Rodgers. This guy was supposed to be the best player in the league this year, now Will would trade him for half a season of Reggie Bush? Incredible. With all seriousness to Will though, it is impressive how he is able to field a line up regularly. Have you tried to call him lately? Yea, HIS PHONE IS OFF. This guy some how is making moves, writing emails, and watching porn without a phone or computer. Is he just breaking into houses and using their laptops? Better yet, did he buy the most up to date beeper? I think that's the case. Didn't even know they had apps. Savvy move from that Will Ray, savvy.
roddy so hotty - Kirby -FACT: Kirby knows what time the O's game is tonight. As I'm writing this Dan is yelling at me to hurry up and finish so I can get it out. Sorry. Damn mind is preoccupied, what with all the booze and everything that has been seeping out of my system lately. I think I went all of August (minus our draft) without drinking. Now WOW. There goes that streak. Speaking of streaks Cal Ripken is calling the O's game last night, that has to be a good luck charm for the O's. Speaking of luck Julio Jones hurt his hand and has been a decoy lately meaning Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez have been reaping the benefits. Speaking of benefits, Kirby has not been reaping them since he sits atop the teams with a 1-3 record, like Charlie Kelly "King of the Rats". Speaking of Rat Kings, I never really liked the ballet and definitely not the Nutcracker, but The Book of Mormon is coming to the Hippodrome! Speaking of hippos remember when my name was the Heaphopopotamus? Man I was better then, even finished third. Speaking of third, Manny Machado has been huge to the O's starting line up. Speaking of O's Cal Ripken is calling the O's game to night, that has to be a good luck charm for the O's.....
Angry Blackmon - Peach - FACT: Peach is racist and that's why he works at ESPN.
Cactus Wranglers - Larsen - FACT: Matt Stafford looks like he is going to stay healthy. Look if you were banking on Matthew Stafford continuing what he did last year, staying healthy and riding a strong defense to another playoff berth, well that was dumb ("I'll take the Detroit defense, they served me well last year" - Some Jackass at our draft). I refuse to look up this team. I know 4 players Lars has and that's enough. There is the aforementioned quarterback, a running back that broke down two years ago (Turner), a wide receiver with no QB (Fitzgerald), and a Browns running back with two knee surgeries (Richardson). How am I behind this team? Furious. And what the hell is the Cactus Wranglers thing? Did he just find a picture and think it was funny? Am I writing about Lars, or Kirby? So confused right now.
Regester Regulators - Death - FACT: I havent run out of things to bitch about this week! Umm....well...uhhh...
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - FACT: RG3 > Cam Newton. Wow. That one was actually true...
