Week 5 Recap

Death, Taxes and a Death loss. That sounds weird, but it does seem to be the only guarantee this season. Whats really been killing me too is that I've still been really busy at work so there hasn't been much time to dedicate to the blog and even when I do it's a reflection of how bad I've been losing this season. Sprinkle in some writers block and a week long bender and well you got yourself a craptastic blog cake (though a glass of  Will Smith and Jason will be satisfied). So to help my sanity and hopefully your enjoyment I'm going to change up the way I write the blog (nothing too drastic, no real intro just straight into rankings). I do apologize guys. I fear change too.

Naginatas Like These - Death - "Girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped" Award - First off I want to explain the new name. I was 0-4. I was willing to try anything....ANYTHING!!! So I changed my name and same result...damn. So yes i gave myself the "girl who was hot when you were a kid but didn't really grow up the way you hoped award", and I think it makes perfect sense. I drafted two rookies back to back to go with a second year unproven running back as a keeper. High risk, high reward. Ingram hasn't been awful, but he has not lived up to his first round draft selection, Daniel Thomas has yet to get a start from me thanks to the always questionable hamstring, but at-least Jahvid has now developed into a play each week type back. Anyway if this isn't making much sense I'll give you an example. My team is Topanga from "Boy Meets World". Her character was only suppose to be an extra, but she had such a great look they rewrote the story for too become Corey's main love interest! Maybe it was her name, maybe it was the character, maybe it was cause we all grew up with her, but we all hoped for more out of Topanga. Sadly we have this. Now she does look better if you see her now on whatever E! show she does....but nobody sees her on whatever E! show she does.

The Tolbert Report - Peach "Girl who was a cameo in the show you like and now you start to think cause im not famous you might have a shot" Award - So I have dedicated countless hours over the last 3 days to watch all of season 3 and catch up on season 4 of Fringe and one character caught my attention. Her name in the show is listed as Mona, but we all know her as "bug girl". I was all in she was slamming. Then it hit me. Why was she so hot, she seems like a normal girl. Ah ha there it is!!! She is obtainable! She isn't super famous and out of our league. She also did a show that I love giving her bonus points (since I would never be able to pull Agent Dunham). That's just what Peach is. He is settling into the realization that his pick of Manning will never be genius just as "bug girl" will never star in movies, and to all of us a win is pretty obtainable.  Also see "Sexy Blue Striped Shirt Girl from Lost".

Side bar I am so screwed if I lose to him this week.

Second side bar I really couldn't think of another example. Saffron from Firefly is actually legit hot, and every extra/guest star from Entourage is basically slamming so that's out as well. I just saw "Jewelry Store Girl" on there and realized I can't open this can of worms. I could do a whole blog on just that. Wait.....what am I...OH FANTASY FOOTBALL!!! Ok. Got it. Getting on with it.

Do You Like Apples? - AD - "Girl is slutty hot" Award - Last year trades helped Hitter out. He gave "it" up and got good returns like Aaron Rodgers and Jeremy Maclin. This year he goes right back to swapping and exchanging with any partner he can find and the outcome has become kinda negative. He is so Jen! According to tabloids she doesn't have a last name anymore. Seriously though remember when she was America's sweetheart after Brad left her? Now she's running through Hollywood just trying to find love again....she is trying pretty hard. Ya know though...the similarities fit between Jen and AD, but she doesn't count as slutty hot...ah this is better. And this is even better. Excuse me while I go watch a Katy Perry video.   

corn on the kolb - Kirby - "Girl who is hot because she is legitimately funny" Award - We all laugh every time Kirby does something in this league. Icing him at the draft, the way he doesn't really talk about anything football related in the email chains, the way he scores 126 points one week and then 67 the next. Everything is funny and that's why we keep him around, and why we like him a little more then we should. Yea he's Tina Fey and Anna Faris.You ever tell a girl that you find Tina Fey sexy? 64.89% of women will be upset with you. "Oh you're only saying that cause she's funny." Take a second think about it and tell her, "That's exactly it. So what's you're excuse for liking Dane Cook"? It's hot when a chick has a legit talent. Hearing Liz Lemon talk about Star Wars and mozzarella sticks make me wanna give her a great post-coitus snuggle. And maybe  her movies are lame, but I do find myself laughing at Anna's over the top performances (I'm positive Alec disagrees). So Kirby, the quirky personality is why we love funny women. I don't care about you anymore.

Grundy Grabbers - Alec - "Girl who is so attractive that it actually makes her less hot" award - I may fail to make sense of this award, but I'm gonna give it my best shot. Alec has Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson, Steve Smith, Reggie Wayne, and Aaron Hernandez. That team is stacked!!! Tommy and All Day outscore people's entire teams some week! There is no way this team can lose. Wait...they're 2-3??? Yup. It's the exact opposite of the Charles Peach girl, this one is so hot that you know you will never, EVER have a shot. He's Gisele Bundchen, Jessica Alba, and Halle Berry all wrapped up in one. Talk to people about their "top 5" girls and a lot of the time these three are actually omitted! What? Why? Because it's too easy or cliche to pick them to be you're hottest girl. Either way these girls and the players on this team are stacked! We may remember this come playoff time.

First or Last - Dan - "Girl who was hot in the beginning but now can't quite live up to it" Award - This one hurts. I can't stress how much this isn't an insult! For short I'm calling this the Kelly Kapowski award. Starting to make sense yet? No? Ok. Dan wins year one and keeps Arian Foster and Chris Johnson. Currently he is in 7th place, one spot out of the playoffs, and is carrying a winning record. Didn't realize it did you? His bar has been set so high that none of these things seem to be enough. Just like poor Kelly Kapowski.
Kelly Kapowski shot us all into puberty. Kelly Kapowski was the first girl we ever loved. Kelly Kapowski is who we compare our wives and girl friends to, and they always will fail to live up to her. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SINGLE??? And want to see modern day Kelly Kapowski? Uh yea. STILL HOT!!! She grew up great! Sadly if shes not in a Bayside High outfit we don't seem to fully appreciate it. Dan,
Kelly Kapowski....I understand.

I can't tell who things are going wrong for more, me or Jessie Spano? Remember kids caffeine pill addiction always leads to cult classic softcore porn movies. On to week 6!!!
Was Kelly Kapowski the most fun girl to look up? YUP!!!

Grundle Stains - Titus - "Girl is hot because she is athletic hot" - I'm basically giving this award to Megatron. Titus has Ray Rice and RunDMC yet all I think about is Megatron and all the crazy shit he can do. There is noone in the league more freakishly athletic then Megatron and that's why hes so damn appealing (in addition to the 20 plus points a week he provides). If Megatron was inconsitant, took plays off or just a little bit slower well he would be Mike Williams from USC, but hes not! Just like if Hope Solo wasn't a goalie for the US shed just be cute, but now shes slamming!!! I would include Lolo Jones in here, but she would be sexy even if she wasn't a world class hurdler.

Rodgers Rejects - Will - "Girl is hot so people will care" Award - We all know the stat. No team relies on one player as much as Will relies on Aaron Rodgers. One player basically makes or breaks this team....where, oh where did I see this before? Notice how there is 1:30 of nothing and then Brooklyn Decker comes out of the water in a yellow bikini and all of a sudden you start to consider seeing this crap movie? Yea that's how hot Brooklyn is, she can carry a garbage movie, any magazine, and even make Andy Roddick forget how to play tennis. Seriously why does he get all riled up during matches when he gets to smash this?

FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - "Girl next door hot" Award - Let me do my best Dan imitation..."There is something about his golden hair, or the way he smiles, or how he makes me feel inside. I feel like a school boy in love every-time I can smell his enchanting musk. I just know that he's the one." - Actual entry from Dan Clemson's journal. Seriously though who doesn't like Stilt? He never talks trash, makes fun of himself and we all do wish he was around more. There is a comfort to him that does make you feel like he has always been there. Much like Natalie Portman and Alison Brie. These two ladies have the most wifey worth other then Kelly Kapowski. Hmmm fatigue is starting to set in might be time to get moving....

WuRule#1 - Jason - "Girl is going to fall apart" Award - As I'm typing this Jason traded his second round pick to Pitz for Brandon Marshall. Guess he has faith in Matt Moore. Look, Jason is 4-1 and won last week when he scored 76 points. He is talking trash, getting cocky, and thinks he can win with Eli, Mike Williams and "The Daily Show". I feel like this screams "Mean Girls". Basically this is his last moment of happiness before he goes all Lindsay Lohan and falls apart. Remember her in Mean Girls? Amazing! Then.....well this is how I picture Jason's end of the season. Welcome back to reality. 

ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - "Girl I'm told is hot" Award - Ok remember a few years ago when Paris Hilton was a big deal? I never understood it. Ok one there was her talent level...non-existent, second was personality which didn't exist and "c" there was the fact that she was really good looking or so I was told by the media and really dumb people. I never got it. There are plenty of girls like this in Hollywood right now that we are suppose to believe is really sexy but really just played Carrie in Sex in the City (Ok I actually don't mean that one. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker has been insulted so much that she is becoming attractive to me in a sympathetic way. Kinda like how we all felt for Will last year in the league. Boom!). The point is Larsen is riding the Matthew Stafford and Beanie Wells train, and hes freaking second in the league!!! I don't buy it. It wont last. Not saying he doesn't make the playoffs, but if he wins the league and I can't get a win I will then realize fantasy football is a coin flip and I will just make all of my picks hammered next year because it really doesn't matter.

Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - "Girl I would kill for hot" Award - I loved mine (wrong), Hittners (wrong) and Pitz's (ding!) draft this year. Adding Matt Forte, Freddie Jackson, and Hakeem Nicks to Mike Vick and Wallace and this team is looking solid. Hate to give the award to anyone but here goes. Pitz, you got Sloane buddy. Take care of her....

I know I left some hotties out, and I also know there were probably great examples I missed, and I know for a fact that I rambled and forgot what point I was trying to make more then once (side bar, Community/Sunny/The League was awesome last night I know I did my worst work when those were on). For that I am sorry, but it does totally open up the debating possibilities which will get us through this Friday on the eve of the Baltimore Marathon, which myself, Hittner, Titus and Dan will be competing in a 26.2 mile relay.  Wish us luck and always remember the immortal words of Ice Cube:

"Life aint a track meet, its a marathon"