Week 9 Recap

Busy week this week, so now I'm finally awake after my first post-surgery night of boozing and happy to report that the only thing that hurts is my head. I can't stress how amazing that feels. So as I rush to wrap this up so I can pound out TWO episodes of the league, don't think I'm not thinking of the poor folks who are sitting at their desk looking up reports of their fantasy team.

Let me help out some of you who were thinking to themselves "that Jacoby Ford was looking really good, what happened to him?" Well yes, he was looking amazing that's why I picked him up, so naturally I got his medical report...and yes its confirmed, hes dead. He got gangrene in his ankle and he will never play football again. Really? That's all for the intro, we are going for the record for shortest recap ever!!!

Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Sigh. This is what we've come to? Jason is in first? WHAT THE H? Atleast he dropped a 129 on Stilt this week for the win. We almost have to give him credit for that one. Of course it does help when Vincent Jackson goes for his second 30 point week of the season (guess whose pumped he only put up a 2 spot last night??? Pipe down Daniel Thomas and his hamstring are going to give you less. Damn. This season sucks. Wait is this talking in the 3rd and 4th person? Maybe, why don't you get back to talking about fantasy football. Ah, yea good point.) No surprise here, but LeSean McCoy had solid production (17.7), Witten took advantage of injured Miles Austin (13.1), and Eli had an amazing week as far as actual quarterbacking goes when he Tom Brady'd Tom Brady but you know what, his fantasy week was pretty good too (18.1). THe impressive move of the week though was Jason selecting the Arizona defense. Patrick Peterson had an amazing walk off 99 yard punt return, happens all the time no big deal, and Jason stashed away 18 points from a waiver wire d. That shit cray.

Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - So he gets cocky. Runs his mouth. Turns league against him. Loses to a 2-6 team. Sometimes these things just find a way to work themselves out. Also pointed out to me last week was that I mentioned Pitz in close to 50% of the team recaps, and he loved it!!! So in my effort to fully half ass this recap, were done here.

ZUnstoppableForce - Lars - I hate Lars after this week. I'll do most of my venting under my section, but I still  have a few nuggets for him here. First something good finally happens to me this year because my quarterback committed the most turnovers, so I get to pick the weekly prize and of course the guy I'm playing gets it. That feels so much worse then a double whammy. It's like a, I don't know what it's like but it sucks. I mean the dude gets a touchdown against me and $10 at the same time. I stare to the gods and wonder why have thou forsaken me? I was in a good mood this morning so I'm just going to go to the next one. I really hate the people at the top this season.

Grundy Grabbers - Alec - A few weeks ago after I did the level of hotness blog Alec told me I wasn't giving him enough credit. I looked at him and said "I wrote that your team is so good that it's underrated and you will be in the playoffs" he told me that wasn't enough. I don't know if that is just good confidence, or a 5-4 team's own delusion. The realism is that this team controls its own destiny. Two more wins should lock up his place in the post season festivities, and they shouldn't have my team to worry about knocking them out again (I'm just taking it when I can get it at this point, don't judge). Little foreshadowing, I am very excited to talk about Alec next week in my trade deadline recap special.

Grundle Stains - Titus - The loser of the Grundle bowl. This team without RunDMC and Megatron reminds me of what Will's team is like without Aaron Rodgers. Remember how Titus had all those early picks and he seemed like a lock to be the best team this year? I kinda do, its just tough to sort through all the memories of his "Big Keeper Three". If you see Titus in the playoffs go find a way to take out RunDMC and/or Megatron (leave Ray Rice alone!!!) and I'd say you have a 89.65% chance of winning comfortably. Pan to Dan nodding sadistically.

Black Rice Act II - Dan - And the winner of RunDMC is on crutches award goes to.....DAN CLEMSON and his pick up of Micheal Bush. That really should be in next week's recap after his 30 point showcase last night, but he scored 18.9 points last week as well!!! If RunDMC is out for a long period of time this is easily the best pick up of the season. Easily. FACT IT IS 11:11 ON 11/11/11 AS I'M WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW. Does that mean Dan wins something? YES HE WON THE RUNDMC IS ON CRUTCHES AWARD!!! Add that to winning the league last year and I'm getting really sick of Dan. I planned on actually talking about his team but I just made myself jealous and I'm kinda ready to move on to teams outside of the playoff picture.

FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - Now I don't know if this is true because I don't do any research before or during the creation of this blog, but I feel like Stilt is all over the standings whenever I write this. One week I think he was 3rd, one week he was 9th, this week 7th, next week he'll be 4th. Anyway his top scorers this week were Matt Ryan (22.00) and Ben Tate (17.5). Are you thinking what I'm thinking yet? Yea he got 22 from the guy we all knew was a terrible keeper, and 17 from a back up running back. I hate fantasy football. Next thing you're going to tell me is the guy who didn't bring anything paperwork or research to the draft is in first place. Wait.....

Rodgers Rejects - Will - 0-2 since his win against me and my kiss of death (no pun intended, but it does kinda work well) of me saying I'm rooting for him. At this rate he'll be right back in the top of the draft. Sorry buddy, but you shouldn't have beaten me. Of course he is playing Adam "I'm the guy who created the Titanic and put the iceberg in front of it because it wasn't the greatest ship ever made" Hittner. Of course when I get to AD I will continue to beat him down for his tankfest '11, but right now I wanna contemplate curses and karma. Will Hittner's revamped team since tanking started pull out another strong performance, or will my kiss of death to will be the stronger negative in the matchup? If Dan still wrote predictions I would like to think he'd take Hittner here.

corn on the kolb - Kirby - The enigma. His 8 scores; 76.86, 126.52, 66.8, 62.78, 105.58, 76.42, 66.66, 72.12, 110.34. Can you guess when Kirby got his 3 wins? Do you know who his 3 wins were agaisnt? Alec, Stilt and Pitz. Know who the 66.66 was against? Jason, who scored 69. Jason is due for some bad karma. He just is. Back to Kirby. He is the ONLY player in this league that I would expect to score 110, start his number one overall pick who is hurt and get a 0. He scored 110 with Peyton Hillis starting even though Hills has all but admitted he is done playing football this year. If you are in a must win at some point this season I suggest you stay clear of Kirby. Dude is like a landmine. I think one more team is being taken down by him before the season ends...but the rest of you will get to play a team that can't break 70. Good luck.

Do You Like Apples? - Hittner - So this is how I picture this and you can't convince me other wise. Hittner is in his basement, all lights are out except for the glow that comes from the laptop which he is staring at intently. His hands are holding each other with the two pointers pressed against his chin. He hasn't moved for 15 minutes. He knows there is something there, he just needs to find it. The riddle tugs at him like an abandoned child. Finally the hands move from the rested position on his chin. They open up to now cover his whole jaw and in a slow, relaxed motion he presses them upward attempting to release the tension that has taken over his exhausted face. A 10 page paper about physical mechanics of the human body he could do during half time of a game of Fifa. Analyzing his monthly budget never presented its self a challenge either. But this. This has become the Ali to his Frasier. Then it happens. The glow of the computer has changed. A repetitive flash has caught his eye. It's a message. "I need a WR. Interested?" YES! The opening he needed was there. Now it happens. Hittner figured it out. There is another way to make his team even worse this season. The deal gets made and the content gm gives himself 5 minutes and a glass of Crown Royal before he thinks to himself....can I sell high on Reggie Bush? He folds his hands and returns them to their rightful resting spot back on his chin.

Tebowing a Miracle - Death - I hate Lars. I hate that Rivers threw 2 TAINTS to his defense. I hate that Kevin Walter had one catch for 5 yards. I hate that Matt Cassel forgot John Baldwin was on his team. I hate that Daniel Thomas is the "power back" for Miami and yet hes more fragile then Jahvid. I hate that Jahvid may never play football again. I hate that I'm hearing Chris Ivory will get more touches. I hate Lars. I hate the Oakland defense who got me -2 points in a match up I lost by 5. I hate that I'm not wearing an awesome suit while I write this.

The Tolbert Report - Peach - Yup. This win makes me very uneasy. 90 plus points and he got a .6 from DJax. Crazy. 18.6 points from DeMarco Murray would normally make him the pick for best pick up this season, but outside of me and whoever is playing him nobody really cares about Peach. Cheers.

Big ups to Vets who got me off work today and to quote the Rock "Put boots to asses" over all the years making us the most bad ass country in the world. Fuck Yea indeed.