- Dan and Hittner are the worst teams in the league. It's true, just look at the standings. The two worst performances come from the two teams who played in the championship. Crazy, next thing you know I'll be saying the team who finished third also looks like they are out of it....ah crap.
- Jason is playoff bound. I don't even have anything cute to add to that, Jason is playoff bound.
- The Chicago Bulls are going to win the 2012 NBA Championship, because of course there will be a season.
- Chad Henne will be a top 5 quarterback at the end of the season...and none of us will own him.
- Micheal Vick will remain perfectly healthy throughout the season.
- *HBO SHOW SPOILER ALERT* Tara will stay dead going into next season of True Blood.
- Pitz is going to remain undefeated this season. What is important about this is that he will get his revenge over Dan in week 3 and will have Fifa 12 paid for him by the former champ. Celebrate good times, come on!
- I will start to understand what Le Batard's Papi is saying by the end of this week
- Cam Newton will be a better quarterback then...well everyone not named Tom Brady.
- I will have to read way too many emails about Arsenal during this EPL season. Wait, that one is true...
- Peyton Manning and Arian Foster will have the same amount of points this season.
- People other then me and Jason will care that the new Spiderman is black/Hispanic.
- I will remember that you have to capitalize Hispanic.
- Will will have more wins in fantasy this season, then nights spent in the house he pays rent to. (Damn, that's another true one)
- Pittsburgh defense will score negative points for Kirby every week.
- Mark Ingram will get stuffed at the goal line 100% of the time he is handed the ball at the 1 yard line with a chance to win the game.
- That will be the last time I mention Mark Ingram in a blog.
- I will skip Tutti Gusti Wednesday lunch this week.
- Titus WONT say something cocky this week.
- Lars will reply to an email.
- Peach may regret some of his draft picks as he goes 0-13 (Hmmm might also be true...)
- Stilt will cut his hair after his undefeated season still lands him a #3 seed
- I will never make mention about drafting Daniel Thomas in the second round
- Alec will trade Tom Brady for Rex Grossman
- Kirby will make a trade this season.
- I will repeat this bit again at some point in a future blog.
- And finally after years of being off air we will all get to see the return of the legendary Joss Whedon show FIREFLY!!!
TEAM BY TEAM RECAP TIME!!!
Grundle Stains - Adrian - By .04 points Titus starts the season as the number one team in the league. Two first round picks and some pretty solid keepers had Yahoo picking Titus as the guy who came out of the draft with the best team, and well after week one they may be right. A healthy Matt Stafford might just be the cure for Calvin Johnson. Two things about that last sentence I want to revisit. First Matthew Stafford gets picked on in high school, and constantly gets injured. Matt Stafford however reads War and Peace in a day. Matt Stafford drives Lamborghini in an Armani suit. Matt Stafford DOESNT MISS FOOTBALL GAMES BECAUSE OF A HANGNAIL. Moral of the story is Matthew should always be shortened to Matt. Take me for example, you know who calls me Matthew? My Grandmother and my boss. That's it. My mom calls me Matt, my guy friends call me Matt, and all women call me MattDeath (they somehow make it one word). I never tell people to call me Matt, it just happens. To be called Matthew takes work. You correct people, you stop them and tell them it's Matthew. This is all important. If Stafford starts going by Matt I'm going all in on the Lions. Call it the Joey/Joe Harrington phenomenon that Simmons brought up. Second part of that sentence we need to address is that Calvin Johnson needs some sort of cure. Look Calvin is a top 5 wide reciver in the league even if Kyle Boller, Jared Lorenzo and Jamarcus Russell fuse into a Gogeta type quarterback of terrible. Give him Matt Stafford and well he may score 20 plus points on a weekly basis. It also didn't hurt Titus that during the week of a payout to the kicker who kicks the longest field goal he has the guy who hits a NFL record for distance. Janikowski banged out a 63 yarder and contributed as one of the five players who scored double digits for Titus. But now its time to talk about the big scorer this week. The Saturday before the Sunday opener I drunkenly admitted to Titus i was prepared to offer a first, third and fourth round pick for Ray Rice, Adrian told me he still wouldn't do it. Bet he is happy now. I mean due to the circumstance and the opponent i bet his opponent Kirby is happy with Ray Rice's 26 points. Ray was the man and took over a Ravens dominated win over the Steelers. Player of the week, since Haloti Ngata and Terrell Suggs can't be drafted in this league.
FreshPrincesofBelAir - Stilt - Why is this team plural? Who is the other Prince? Is there more then one person running this team? Is Stilt not going to forget to update his team every week because he has a partner in crime? Can I possibly do his whole recap in questions? Did anyone see Baltimore defense causing 7 turnovers and scoring 22 points against the Steelers? Was anyone expecting Wes Welker to tie an NFL record while scoring 28 points? Exactly how long did it take the Dolphins to decide they were cutting Bennie "I was the guy who got burnt by a white guy for a 99 yard touchdown" Sapp? How many of you thought I couldn't finish this section with all questions?
Grundy Grabbers - Alec - Remember how we all talked about how great Aaron Rodgers looked on Thursday? Yea me either. Tom Brady got busy! 35.98 points from Tommy Touchdown on Monday Night. Just wow. That alone would have out scored most of Will's total from last year, but Alec wasn't done there. His boy, who he had to have and you don't wait to draft a guy you have to have, Percy Harvin kicked off his 2011 season with just a kickoff return for a touchdown. Even with Donovan McNabb throwing for 17inches this week, Percy still scored 8.20 (sometimes you just gotta do it on your own). Reggie Wayne without Peyton still scored 16 plus points, and Adrian Peterson had an off day, only scoring 10.40. Yea, this team looks pretty good.
Gunners Treble - Larsen - Guess who Lars number one scorer was in week one. Give up? Tony Romo. Do you realize I had to talk him into trading me a third rounder for Romo? I hate when people are hesitant to make trades that help out both sides. I will give this to Lars, this is a game I never would have given him the chance to win. Beanie Wells was his second leading scorer for crying out loud. Beanie Wells!!! I'm trying my best here to be fair and give Lars his due for currently being the number four team overall right now, but by the power of Beanie I just cant. Look I love his wide receivers (Miles Austin 15, Anquan Boldin 13.4, Larry Fitzgerald 6.2) but if he is still, in the top four late in the season with Beanie Wells as his top running back well I'm going upstairs to my bath tub with a bunch of razorblades, alot of tears, and a picture of Jahvid Best. Just saying.
Just the Tip Drill - Pitz - Look I can take a loss. In fact I didn't like my chances going into this week, but what hurts the most is that the most dominant player on his team is a guy that should have never ended up on this team. Ask August 2011 MattDeath who should be the number one pick in this draft and his answer without hesitation would be "Matt Forte". Side bar, did you notice I didnt write Matthew Forte, nor has anyone ever called him Matthew Forte? I'M JUST SAYING!!! These things mean something, I swear. Matt Forte drops to Pitz in the draft, and then he proceeds to drop a steamy 21.8. Vick is the high scorer with 23.28, but whenever you get a 20 plus showcase out of a non quarterback you're giddy. Mike Wallace (10.7) and Brandon Marshall (13.9) were both spectacular, even more so when you take into account neither of them scored a touchdown and still put up those types of numbers. Ethier way this was a big win for Pitz as he continues to try and justify himself as a genius general manager, but personally I just look forward to more smack talk between him and Dan. It's become quite the highlight in my workday.
Wu Rule #1 - Jason - Do you know when Jason recorded his first win last year? I do. Week two. Feel's kinda anticlimactic doesn't it? I totally assumed he went 0-21 like 1988 Orioles style before his first win. Ethier way this feels so early to be talking about Jason, but should we have seen it coming? He was new to the fantasy world...sorry fantasy football world and has been paying attention to his team. In fact he has been paying too much attention to his team. How the hell did he know Nate Kaeding would end his season on the first kick of the year? Kinda creepy. Wait, what is creepier is that he picked up castaway David Akers, or should I say 15 points during week 1 David Akers. Is this boy just lucky, or is he now good? I'm going to take the bitter route and say lucky. Why am I saying lucky and not good? I'm still bitter about the Marc Pitonzo write up. Jason passed on Matt Forte!!! Vincent Jackson racked up a total of 17 points LESS then Forte did. Awesome. The interesting part about Jason's schedule is that he goes up against Hittner (the 0-1 Hittner yes I know) who finished second last season. Can Jason possibly go 2-0 to start the season while beating the champion and runner up from a year ago? Oh sweet potato pie things just got exciting!!!
Crash and Burn - Will - I feel like it was a running theme last year, but Will needs to change his name. After the Rodgers/Jennings duo went off for almost 40 points I thought Will was going to fire off to a great start to the 2011 season. Sadly instead he just, well Crash and Burned back into reality. His team was solid, but lackluster efforts from DeAngelo Williams (3.60) and Knowshon Moreno(3.70), two of his three keepers, was his undoing. I will tell you two things that didn't help, one being that the Chiefs were embarrassed in their home stadium and Thomas Jones only resulted in 0.3 points, but I'm pretty sure that was the lesser of two evils (still an evil don't get that confused). The big evil was Will starting Marcedes Lewis over "I drafted him really early" Jimmy Graham. Jimmy threw up a double digit spot to help justify Will's early reach on a guy, but Will repaid him with bench time. It's almost as if the fantasy gods see these things happening before they do, and make us suffer for such decisions (see exhibit a1: mattdeath week 2 benching Jahvid Best). Ah well. Will was competitive, and for the first time in this leagues history you didn't need to scroll all the way to the bottom to read his recap. We call that progress.
Flounder Pounders - Death - Cedric Benson and his 18 points sit on the bench as he plays Mark Ingram instead. Not upset about that. Not even upset with Ingram's performance (even though he has to get into the endzone on that play). Not upset about dropping Dixon for Heap, it was the right play. Sound logic behind it. Now what steams me up, is Chad Ochocinco. Really? Really? Two targets? REALLY? I mean I knew I was gambling with Daniel Thomas, but with Ochocinco???? Ocho wasn't what made or broke my week, the unfortunate moves are responsible for that, but if this is a season long thing I swear I will stop following him on Twitter. That's right, you gotta hit him where it hurts!!! Positive side, did Jahvid Best start out the season in double figures??? I think he did.
The Tolbert Report - Peach - He isn't last? I figured this was a forgone conclusion? Ah well. Atleast Peach pushed through a trade at the deadline which got him two new starters for his team that accounted for 7.56 points. It only cost him a 6th round pick and Kellen Winslow (who scored 6.6 on his own). Ouch. Things could be rough in Kansas City and for the Report all season long. On a brighter note Peach's number one pick Dez Bryant scored 16plus, and his name sake, Mike Tolbert, had a great week scoring 27.3 both on his bench. But at least he has them, which you know, is kinda nice.
corn on the kolb - Kirby - If you followed Dwayne Bowe last year you will remember he would score 30 points one week, then 4 the next. This week he really went off and gave Kirby a solid 1.70. I'm not going to do legit research (way to late in this blog for me to care) but I'm confidently going to say that has to be the worst performance from a healthy starting keeper. Well that basically set the tone for Kirby as what used to be one of the highest scoring performer finds himself sitting in the bottom three to start the season. The curse of Micheal Vick continues. The Britt did give a valiant effort in the loss though scoring 25.6 points for Kirbo which I'm sure made him happy. The Pittsburg defense however scored a whooping -3.00 points, which lets be honest I'm sure also made him happy.
Do You Like Apples - Hittner - Yup this is around the time of the blog where fatigue starts to kick in and I'm pretty much running out of crap to talk about. Will and Jason I'm sure are used to their sections being brief, but the next two guys? Wow. I usually go off writing way too much about the first and second place teams (see above with the Matt Stafford rant under Titus' section). So to recap Hittner, MJD and Jamaal Charles scored double digits...thats about it.
First or Last - Dan - If Dan is second to last, or middle of the pack next week does he have to change his name back to Black Rice? What if we keep him in last place until he deserves to be back in first? I just won't be able to make sense of this name if hes in 9th place. Just one of those things that freak me out, like the texture of cranberry sauce or that guacamole is green. Tastes good, but green is weird with food. Remember when they came out with that green ketchup and everyone was freaked out about it? That's how I am with green food that should be green (veggies you're safe don't worry). Where was I? Oh right a week with a limited CJ2K and no Arian Foster I don't think this result surprised anyone, or should it have? Dan was the one lucky soul who had his bench outscore his starting line up. Not the goal you're going for in this league, but hey any press is good press right? Or something like that.
Well week one is over and I think it's fair to say we all can't wait for week 2 to get started. Excited would definitely be the word. And speaking of excitement I had to find a great quote from Firefly after making mention of it earlier in the blog (ah, we were so young back then). So here's Captain Malcolm Reynolds and his merry crew signing us off....
Zoe: "No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated -- this job's strictly speculative."
Jayne: "Good. 'Cause I don't know these folks, don't much care to."
Mal: "They're whores."
Jayne: "I'm in."
GOOD NIGHT!!!
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