Week 5

So after a long awesome weekend I come home to watch Randy Moss and the Vikings on Monday Night Football. I take what i planned on being a quick nap only to wake up and see that its 12:30AM. Whoops. Not going to be able to recap what happened during any of the prime time games and since I worked the Ravens game I don't really have a good pulse on what happened this week in the NFL. So what the fuck do I write about? Well when Peach sent out the email that Peyton was leading our league in scoring it got me thinking, as we go into week 6 would we have drafted the same players if given a second chance? Well lets look over the first round of our draft and see who knew what they were doing and who didn't.

Peach has the first pick and based only on current fantasy points he selects Phillip Rivers. Rivers right now leads our league with 110.46 points, and was drafted by Titus in the second round 20th overall. Of course we all know who Peach really took with his first pick which actually leads us to Dan and his selection of....

Peyton fucking Manning! The longer the season goes the more and more it looks like Peach didn't completely drop the ball by taking Manning first. Petyon has already piled up 105.56 points this season and you have to assume he wont be slowing down anytime soon.

Alec is on the clock and originally drafted Adrian Peterson with the third overalll pick, this time around he is going to follow the QB trend and take the surprise pick in Denver quarterback Kyle Orton. Orton has already accumulated 101.22 points which has made Dan very happy. Get this, Orton was not even drafted! This has to be the steal of the league right now.

Stilt took the first wide receiver with the number 4 overall pick and changed the trend of our draft, this time he will follow suit and take the 4th quarterback in a row when he selects Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers has been the guy Will has been leaning on during his struggling season, but you can't blame his selection of the Green Bay quarterback with the #6 overall selection.

Titus is up now and will select the first running back of the draft in Arian Foster. Titus had originally taken Ray Rice and as all us Ravens fans know up until last week its been a frustrating season for the tiny running back. Well this week he finally blew up and maybe by the end of the season we can see Titus took the right guy. Lets get back to Foster and look at the fact that Dan took him in the 15th round! 165 players were taking before Foster and now he appears to be a keeper. Add that to Kyle Orton and its no wonder Dan has been the team to beat this season.

With the 6th pick in this fake draft Will is going to take a tight end from San Diego, Mr Antonio Gates. Gates has been a monster for Kirby this season after he was selected in the 4th round. Not often you see a tight end make this kind of impact in fantasy but after scoring 89.8 points you can see the former basketball player has done just that.

Hittner had to be happy to see with the 7th pick in the draft he was able to select Maurice Jones-Drew who was originally projected to be the #3 player taken. Well if he had the chance to do it over he may want to take another first round talent in quarterback Drew Brees. I love this pick, pretty much cause I took Drew two spots later, but he has been a solid player getting me 87.6 points so far this season. Oh yea, and their offense still hasn't gotten rolling yet.

Larsen stepped up with the 8th pick and took Micheal Turner who has had some injury problems to go along with his inconsistency. A safer running back pick here would have been LeSean McCoy. Get ready for this one....Jason has him! That's right, Jason has a good player!. Amazing. Looks like Scott didn't totally ruin his team. McCoy has scored 86.3 points for Jason which has to be 65% of all the points he has scored this season (Pittsburg D has scored the rest). I'm not sure whats more surprising, Jason with a good selection or an Eagles running back actually getting the ball (and not listed as questionable every week).

The commish is on the board now and is actually thrilled to see Chris Johnson has slipped to me at the 9th spot. I still think by the end of the season he will be the highest scorer, but right now his 84.4 points puts him 9th. Wait, I mean this guy is awful. Dan hes just going to keep slipping farther and farther down. Lets talk trade. I will help take him and his awful season off your hands.

Kirby is on the board and surprises EVERYONE by selecting Shaun Hill. Hill has scored 81.52 points this year and not only was he not drafted, but hes not even on a team right now! Gotta love seeing the back up quarterback for Detroit, who wont even be the starter at the end of the year, racking up points. This of course is a perfect example of why this draft is completely hypothetical. Even with Hill's numbers this season nobody is going to play him. Please.

Pitz is up next and has already come out and said that his selection of Cedric Benson didn't go as he planned. Had he selected Matt Forte instead, maybe his season wouldn't already be over. Titus selected Forte in the 4th round  and has to be thrilled with this pick, especially after the week the young Chicago back had this week in a big win over Dan. It's ok Pitz maybe Matt Forte will be out one night drinking before a big game and you can convince Titus to kill, I mean trade him. Forget i mentioned murder....

Poor poor Jason. Car broke down, couldn't make the draft and Ryan Grant dies in the first game of the season. Had to see a shitty season coming from this team after that. Things don't get any better in the hypothetical try your luck again draft, Jason just took another injured player in Mike Vick. Hey, at least this draft isn't real, and you cant blame Scott for this shitty pick.

Just to recap here is how both drafts went:

Peach: Peyton Manning (actual), Phillip Rivers (new)
Dan: Chris Johnson (actual), Peyton Manning (new)
Alec: Adrian Peterson (actual), Kyle Orton (new)
Stilt: Andre Johnson (actual), Aaron Rodgers (new)
Titus: Ray Rice (actual), Arian Foster (new)
Will: Aaron Rodgers (actual), Antonio Gates (new)
Hittner: Maruice Jones-Drew (actual), Drew Brees (new)
Larsen: Micheal Turner (actual), LeSean McCoy (new)
Death: Drew Brees (actual), Chris Johnson (new)
Kirby: Frank Gore (actual), Shaun Hill (new)
Pitz: Cedric Bensen (actual), Matt Forte (new)
Jason: Ryan Grant (actual), Mike Vick (new)

Of the 12 players leading in fantasy points 3 were never drafted (Orton, Hill, Vick). Of the 12 new players only 4 were actually drafted in the first round (Manning, Rodgers, Brees, Johnson). Final note 7 of the 12 are quarterbacks, 1 tight end, and only 4 running backs. Of course we know this is a small sample size, and some players have had byes so of course their point total will be lower. I really hope no one was actually worried about any of that when they read this. Ah well, its fun to look back at things that don't matter, now lets move on to what does......RANKINGS BITCHES!

Velour Fog - Titus - Welcome to the top of the mountain sir. Ray Rice comes out of hiding, and Matt Forte makes everyone in Chicago forget that just last week they were embarrassed on national television, and Jay Cutler gets concussed like Mike Jungerheld after going for a headball. Everyone came to play this week for Titus' team, everyone except for Johnny Knox. I wonder if Knox wants to go into hiding. I bet people were forgetting all about that asshold Johnny Knoxville, and now they have a stupid 3d movie coming out. Cant you just see Jay Cutler making stupid jokes in the huddle towards Johnny? Seriously though I am only seeing that movie if Bam Marjera dies. Shit I will see every show for a week if I can have that pleasure to see that he is no longer on the planet. Good job beating Dan this week Titus.

White Rice - Dan - Yea, you never had a chance. Phillip Rivers puts up 22 plus and I didn't even mention him when going over Titus' team. No more undefeateds in this league, which is nice. Parody is good in the NFL and fantasy. Of course he did have 25 points from Brandon Lloyd on the bench....BUT THAT STILL WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN HIM THE WIN. Having a beer with Dan on Sunday night he made mention that he needed to ice his asshole after the raping Adrian gave him. I bet he is still icing and may have to till Sunday.

Grundy Grabbers - Alec - Alec proclaimed he wasn't going to lose again, and even though he was losing to Jason going into MNFL his #1 guy Adrian Peterson was on the field and ready to carry him to....wait what? Percy Harvin? Thats the guy who has a big game? What about Randy Moss? Wasn't he suppose to steal all the catches? Big ups to Percy Harvin for having such an impact with all the drama hes been through this season....Jason may not feel the same way.

Motor Boaters - Stilt - It was so good to see everyone out on Sunday. Will, Kirby, Pitz, Dan and myself all mananged to spend time with each other. Stilt didn't want to. He came, saw the Ravens game and said fuck off to all of us. I found it to be rude. Sure he is going to come back and say "but Death i worked 24 hours straight", "i havent slept in 2 days", "I have to work again tomorrow night". Its always about Stilt, and that is why he lost to Will. The fantasy gods dont like when you shun drinking with league members. Actually i dont think that matters since others lost, but I was just upset I didnt get to see that pretty smile all night.....

Do You Like Apples? - AD - Boom! 100 points and a total beat down on a very depressed Meat Frog. Pitz has already come out and said hes looking to move parts. 2 fifas, and now a six pack appears to have broken the spirit of Pitz as he begins looking towards next year. Whats actually crazy about this match up is how little AD got from Matt Schaub. What happend to that guy? Oh right, no Andre Johnson. Yea that will change things...Big ups for Malcom Floyd, Ad has to be saying "its about damn time!"

The Heaphopapotomus - Death - I LOVE GOOOOOOOOOOOULD!!!! 18 points from my man Robbie Gould lead me to a big big win over the terrifying Ryan Kirby. I wont rub in anything else right now, but will throw it out there, who is around Sunday? I turn 27, and really that doesn't mean anything, but the Ravens are on and I'd love to drink boh 40's and cheer like we did last time the Ravens were in New England.

Face. - Peach - I think the gods love me right now. Earlier in the week Peach and I were discussing a trade around Mark Clayton and Justin Forsett. Well once Marshawn Lynch was traded to Seattle Peach said no, and now Mark Clayton is out for the season and Danny Amendola came up big.  Now as far as players who actually counted for Peach's victory lets talk about Hakeem Nicks. This guy goes off, does nothing, goes off, does nothing, well unfortunately for Lars he went off this week. 25 points helped make up for Peyton's awful 8.46 performance against the Chiefs. A lot of adversity this week, but a big win this week keeps Peach looking towards the playoffs.

Gunners Treble - Lars - Lost by 2 points and got a goose egg from Jermicheal Finley. I feel for you, I really do. Every week there is a close game and why does it feel like Lars is always getting the raw end of those games? Ok maybe its not every week, but this is the second time Lars has lost by a margin of 2. Lars, i think its time to sacrifice something to the fantasy gods. You should probably send me a pizza or something so i can talk to them for you. I told you, they like me right now.

Nephew w/ out the n - Kirby - Whew. Huge sigh of relief that Dustin Keller missed Monday Night Footballs game just as I did. Kirbs was down 30 with Gore, Moss and Keller going. Moss and Gore each went over the 10 point mark....Keller did not. So happy to see that! Speaking of Monday night, has anyone seen this chick that Farve was sending pics of his junk to? So fine. What was she, just a secretary for the Jets? Damn man, we need to change our hiring process at the Orioles. I would def send her pics of my junk...


Crash and Burn - Will - Check this guy out! Last guy to get a victory and he gets it against a team that hadn't lost yet this year. Takes the guy forever to get a name, and now it seems he found one the fantasy gods like.  Not only did Will win, but he jumped up 2 spots to 10th as oppose to 12th. Guess i cant call him the Buffalo Will's anymore...

ProtectYourNeck - Jason - Once again he starts a player who is on a bye week, and he lost by 4 points. Wow. "Live and Learn" Jason said to me tonight about the move. How long does it take before he has learned enough to put a good team together? The good news though is that hes not in last....

Meat Frog - Pitz - Ouch. 2 fifa bets, 1 six pack gone, 4 losses this season, and now hes in the basement. Is it time for him to blow it up and start going for next year? It will be interesting to see what he does. I won't continue bashing Pitz's terrible team here (what else would we email each other about?) but instead I'm going to announce Pitz as this weeks player of the week. What? He isn't even in the NFL. No hes not, but this also isn't a real award, so i can do what i want. Pitz gets this award this week in-spite of him being responsible for me seeing another episode of the Jersey Shore. Pitz has been a great pimp for me over the years always having single friends available, and as we all know Pimp'n aint easy. He came through again this weekend and for that, we thank you. So there you go Pitz, your fantasy team is terrible but you can at least tell people you are Matt Death's pimp power player of the week.

Ok now im off to get my Brett Farve on and send all of you pictures of my penis. See ya next week!